Phyllis Diller quotes

[wmtire]

One of my all time favorite comedians passed away yesterday at the the age of 95. Here are some of her quotes, which are hilarious. Please post more if you see them.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller



My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller



Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller



Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller



Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller



The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller






The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller







There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller



Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller



We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller



What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller



Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller



You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller



You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

[wmtire]

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller


Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller


Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller



Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller



Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller



Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller



Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller



His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller



Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller





I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller



I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller



I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller



I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller



I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller



If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller



It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller



Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller



My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

[Herk7769]

Thanks.

A lovely walk down memory lane.

[wmtire]

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

You know you're getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.

I was born at home on newspapers ... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

They just elected me Miss Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with, "Who
could have done this? We have no enemies."

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night - and reduce the crime rate.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

[wmtire]

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

“Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.”

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.

"I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

[spurge1947]

She was one of the best. A great loss...