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Old 09-06-2013, 06:41 AM   #1
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Terrible puns

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his Mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began strikng the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carrilon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

* * *

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Nortre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, " but . . .

"he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

(totally plagiarized from Click and Clack)

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Old 09-06-2013, 06:51 AM   #2
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(And, I'm sure Click and Clack wouldn't mind borrowing their material).

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Old 09-06-2013, 06:57 AM   #3
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Love them! Wonderful way to begin my morning! Thanks!

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Old 09-06-2013, 08:13 AM   #4
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Did you hear about the three Indian maids who were friends, and who all three happened to get married around the same time?

After the weddings, they each proceeded to set up their housholds. the first one made a bed from deer hides. The second one made her bed from a buffalo hide. The thire one liked fancy foreign imported stuff. She made her bed from a hippopotamus hide.

As time passed, the first two each had a son. The third one had no children. Now, raising a little Indian brave can be exhausting, so one day, the childless one told her friends that they should take the day off, and she would take the boys.

She took them to the local playground. They played on the swings. Then they played on the slide. Next, they got on the teeter-totter. It turned out that one of the boys was much heavier that the other, and just wouldn't work. The boys started raising an awful fuss.

Thinking quickly, she put both of the boys on one side of the teeter-totter, and she got on the other side. This balanced well, and they all had a good time.

This demonstrates that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

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Old 09-06-2013, 08:45 AM   #5
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Then, there was the scientist who had a theory that with an extract from a gland in seagulls, he could extend life virtually indefinitely. He was going to test his theory on porpoises, but first, he needed a bunch of gulls.

He went out to a state game park where he captured a bunch of gulls. He was walking back down the trail with a sack of gulls slung over his back, when he happen upon a sleeping lion completely blocking off the trail. He hesitated, but finally, very gingerly stepped over the lion and continued on his way.

He didn't get far, when a game warden stepped out of the bushes and arrested him. He was charged with transporting gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

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Old 09-06-2013, 10:17 PM   #6
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This is a very long one - originally from the Two Ronnies, who did a simulated newscast.

The opened the piece with the statement that Interpol had issued a "be on the lookout" notice. The alert was to locate a UK citizen of Jewish descent who was wanted for questioning by Israeli authorities.

The subject of the BOLO was the son of an English salesman whose territory included parts of Spain. On a trip to Barcelona, the father had met and fallen in love with a novitiate at a local priory. She had not yet completed the vows, and reciprocated the advances.

When she found out she was pregnant, she was dismissed from the order and went to England with her baby's father and they we married. Their son was born and named Joseph. He was something of a musical prodigy and as he grew up he became the youngest ever musician, at the age of 14, to be given the principal flute chair in the local amateur symphony orchestra in their London suburb of Tooting.

As he grew older, Joe became interested in his Jewish heritage and eventually emigrated to Israel. As a "less than fully Jewish" person, he had problems finding work and ended up driving a tractor on one of the communal farms.

He became radicalized and started participating in demonstrations, eventually being involved in a riot in the Israeli port city of Haifa. Surveillance video showed him looting an electronics store during the riots.

The bulletin concluded: "The public is asked to look out for a Haifa-looting, Tooting fluting, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plow-boy Joe."

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