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Old 08-22-2012, 08:52 AM   #1
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The Golfing Nun

THE GOLFING NUN......... A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know, I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the putt, didn't you?'

"Well that didn't go as expected"
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Old 08-22-2012, 02:28 PM   #2
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:34 AM   #3
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Another one that I have not seen before enjoy, everyone needs a bit of humour.

ALERTS TO FINANCIAL AND MILITARY THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."
"Well that didn't go as expected"
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:44 AM   #4
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On the way to my non-RV friends.

There is plenty of clean and still funny material out there. Try to remember the campfire is a "family" place and we need funny jokes we can tell there.

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Old 08-23-2012, 09:35 AM   #5
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Related to the nun story, is the story of the orthodox rabbi with a passion for golf. He goes on vacation to a resort that is surrounded by golf courses. The day he arrives, it begins to rain, and rain, and rain -- all week. The last day of his vacation is Saturday. It is a beautiful, bright, sunny day. It is a perfect day for golf, except for the fact that playing golf on the sabbath is forbidden.

He sits and stares out the window, and he stares at his bag of clubs in the corner of his room. Finally, he comes to a decision. "Nobody knows me here. I won't tell anybody. I'm going to play. Nobody will ever know."

Up in heaven, an angel spots the rabbi on the golf course. He taps God on thew shoulder and says "Look at that orthodox rabbi playing golf on the sabbath." God replies "Yes, I see. Awful!" The angel asks "What are you going to do about it?" God responds "I'm going to punish him. Watch."

The rabbi tees up on the very difficult sixth hole. As soon as he hits the ball, an eagle flying by, snatches the ball in the air. Out of the clear sunny sky, a bolt of lightning scares the eagle, and he drops the ball right onto the green. A passing rabbit kicks the ball and it goes straight into the cup.

The angel is astounded. "You gave him a hole in one. That's what every golfer dreams about. What kind of punishment is that?" God answers "Who is he going to tell about it?"
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:03 AM   #6
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Oh man, I've been under the weather for a few days, so I haven't been in the best of moods, but these definately have me laughin!

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