Tips for Northerners moving to the South

[wmtire]

Tips for Northerners Moving to the South

If you are a northerner you will inevitably want to someday move south to warmer weather and away from… well you know what I mean. Here are a few tips that will help you transition into southern ways.

First, you are going to need to get used to hearing proper english. After hearing words pronounced incorrectly all your life you may feel like you are in a foreign country. The letter “R” is used often in words so you will need to get used to that. Just give it some time and you’ll be communicating just like a pro.


Now being up north has probably made you very angry which is why you are so aggressive and rude. Sort of like a bear coming out of hibernation. We understand that down here in the south and are tolerant to a point. I know your momma told you that politeness was a weakness but remember that your momma is a yankee. If you get the idea that your aggressive, rude behavior may give you some type of competitive edge just remember that there are more guns than people in the south. Plus plenty of wide open spaces to bury you.

Waving is a southern tradition. Sort of like cursing is in the north. When someone waves at you they are not indicating that they need assistance so you don’t need to ignore them. Instead, wave back. If you don’t you will be seen as rude in which case you should refer back to my point about the guns and wide open spaces.

When it comes to driving in icy conditions we concede that you have us beat. This being said, if it does snow it is best if you stay off the roads. We know you can drive on ice but you should know that we cannot. If you do decide to drive make sure you keep a 12 pack of beer in your trunk. This is not for you. It is for the 2 guys that will be pulling you out of a ditch with their 4 wheel drive truck after an out of control southerner runs you off the road. No need to help, just give them the beer and go on your merry way.

Speaking of the weather, if you live near the coast down here in the south you will no doubt be introduced to what we call a hurricane. Southerners are known to wrestle live alligators and hunt wild hogs with just a bowie knife and a bandana. In other words, they don’t scare easily. I say this to drive home the point that if you see southerners evacuating then something bad is definately about to happen. A hurricane is like a bad redneck marriage. It is almost certain that someone’s going to lose a trailer. After it is all over you will see a phenomenon that you have probably never seen in your life. People helping other people for no reason at all. Don’t worry, it is contagious but it won’t kill you.


Before you head south, start saving bacon grease in a can. There is no need to refrigerate it, just keep it under the sink. When you arrive down south you will be instructed on how to use it.

We spoke a while ago about guns. In the north only the mafia, cartel members and the police carry guns. Down here we all have guns. It is not unusual at all for a 10 year old boy to get a shotgun for his birthday. We believe that gun control is when you use both hands to aim. Keep this in mind the next time you get the urge to honk at the guy in front of you.

Now, a little more information about that bacon grease. Up north grease is something that gets into pipes and requires a plumber to clean out. Down here we cook with it. It makes almost any dish taste better. We add it to baked beans, collard greens, turnip greens, green beans, hash brown potatoes, fried eggs and so much more. To be southern you have to cook southern and eat southern so just get used to it. It will subtract about 10 years from your life but hey… You’re a northerner.

Speaking of food, eating down south is going to be a little different for you. We don’t eat scrod or lox. Let me see if I can create a mental picture for you. New Orleans is the center of the universe when it comes to good food. Think of it as the sun. As you move away from it the food gets worse and worse. If you go to New Orleans and don’t like the food then living down south is not going to go well for you. Also, we will fry and eat almost anything. Frog legs, chickens, turkeys, pork chops, egg plant, okra, squash, seafood, onions, pickles, cheese and even ice cream. What do we fry it in? Grease. We love grease. How do we remove grease? With soap of course. Where does soap come from? Grease. That is sort of cool. Kind of like the circle of life.

Don’t talk about how nice it is up north or how much you miss home. You never hear Haitian boat people do that and neither should you. Keep in mind that many of us have visited the north. Why do you think we make fun of you? Just enjoy your new found freedom. We have everything you need here. Fresh air, mild winters, plenty of waterfront and beaches, mountains, woodlands, streams, fishing, hiking, camping, sunshine and more. Plus you can join us in making fun of yankees. That is sort of the best part.

If you are a guy and lucky enough to have escaped the north at a young age you are going to want to know a little bit about southern girls. They are not like northern girls.

• Tip Number One – you don’t have to pay them for a date. Remember, you are in the south now.
• Tip Number Two – No cursing. Remember, this is a southern girl, not your mother.
• Tip Number Three – Don’t tell her where you are from. If you have to, just say you are from Canada.
• Tip Number Four – a prenuptial agreement is useless. Remember, she probably owns a gun and her father most likely has some acreage purchased for just such an event.

[OldCoot]

Very good advice, but that is just making us have a mass infestation of DY's.

[rattleNsmoke]

I love it!. I'm born and raised in the North but my heart and soul somehow belongs south of the Mason-Dixon. Hell, I own a pickem' up truck, ride a Harley and did get my first shotgun around age 10. Yeeee-haw.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by rattleNsmoke

I love it!. I'm born and raised in the North but my heart and soul somehow belongs south of the Mason-Dixon. Hell, I own a pickem' up truck, ride a Harley and did get my first shotgun around age 10. Yeeee-haw.

Glad you stated that, which brings up the following:


A frequently asked question is whether a child born in the south to a Yankee couple is officially a southerner. The answer is NO. Yankee DNA does not change merely because of a persons location when born. If it did then yankees would be flying down by the thousands to have their children here.


Here are the scientific facts:

If a child is born to yankee parents while they are in the south then that child is still a yankee. DNA testing has confirmed this over and over again. Gene therapy has been attempted but donors have been difficult to find so progress in this area has been limited.

If the child marries a southerner they would have what we would call a mixed marriage. If the child marries a yankee then they are right back where they started and have made no progress whatsoever. This rarely happens since yankees hate each other even more than they hate southerners. It would be like eating at McDonalds when you live next to a 5 star restaurant.

Assuming the child of yankee parents marries a southerner, the children produced by that union would be eligible for full southern citizenship, but only under certain conditions. First of all, the original grandparents (full blooded yankees) need to be either dead or living in a foreign country. The reason for this is simple. Genetically, this child is still 50% yankee and any northern influence at this point could tip the scales and create yet another yankee. If you feel that the child needs grandparents then you may want to consider a surrogate program. The National Organization of Surrogate Elderly or NOOSE has a great program that provides grandparents in situations like this. The child will never know the difference and the results are phenomenal.

If two generations have passed and there has been no northern influence in a childs life then you should have yourself an honest to goodness southerner. But wait. There is no need to take any chances. Observe the child and look for the following characteristics -

• Holding a door open for strangers.
• Letting a lady go first in line. (applies to men)
• Waving at neighbors.
• Respecting people of all races.
• Treating others like they would want to be treated.
• Literacy and a desire to go beyond the 10th grade.
• Calm Even Temper. No sudden outbursts of cursing.
• Love of family and country.
  
• Love for the south and all it stands for.

If they exhibit all these characteristics then it is safe to say that your families heritage has been forever altered. Congratulations.

[joelek]

I got pulled over by the highway patrol in San Antonio many years ago. It was a rare event as they received 2 inches of snow the day before I arrived and another 3 inches when I landed at airport. So here I am driving 40mph on freeway and magically, the cop lights are behind me. When he say my drivers license, he just rolled his eyes and said you're on of those Yankees from Minnesota that loves this white stuff. Get off the freeway as you will die! Somebody will smash into you as we can't drive in snow!

The south is great about 4 months out of the year. The other 8, the heat and humidity would melt the guys from the great white north! And appropriately (aka right on time) snow is done on Minnesota. Next day California is on fire once again this year.

Now just for the record, I'm the Yankee that loves Cajun/Creole food and Zydeco music. My new hero from the south is Tickle from the show Moonshiners. Anybody creative enough to sell many gallons of moonshine from an RV kitchen faucet is a genius in my book!

[hkreck]

Excellent, Myself and a few other Yankee's are coming down to Vicksburg at the end of the month. Thanks for the advise we will try to behave.:-}

[Scratch]

Here in Texas, a CHL replaces the driver's license as proof of citizenship when applying for your temporary visa...

[Helmsey]

Just remember. Nobody retires and moves north

[joelek]

Originally Posted by Helmsey

Just remember. Nobody retires and moves north

I remember reading that on one of those signs in front of a Baptist Church. It's the gospel truth you betcha!

My favorite area in the entire USA is coastal region of NC to northern FL. And my 100% top favorite place is Jekyll Island, GA.

[itat]

Originally Posted by Helmsey

Just remember. Nobody retires and moves north

Actually, up here in Canada, lots of people do! But then we are crazy Canucks.

[OldCoot]

Originally Posted by itat

Actually, up here in Canada, lots of people do! But then we are crazy Canucks.

Are you saying they retire and move farther north?

[SteveBingham52]

Came to South Carolina in 1988 for a one year project and just never went back north. After about five years some of the guys here gave me a certificate certifying me as a "Damn Yankee" because it was obvious I wasn't going back up. Told me that Yankees and hemeroids were just alike. Neither too bad as long as they go back up where they came from. Still here.

[OldCoot]

Originally Posted by SteveBingham52

Came to South Carolina in 1988 for a one year project and just never went back north. After about five years some of the guys here gave me a certificate certifying me as a "Damn Yankee" because it was obvious I wasn't going back up. Told me that Yankees and hemeroids were just alike. Neither too bad as long as they go back up where they came from. Still here.

That's a good one, never heard the Yankees and hemorrhoids comparison before. In Arkansas they say anything north of I40 is Yankee country. lol

And around Stuttgart, AR they say there on two kinds of people, duck hunters and sum bi----s

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by OldCoot

That's a good one, never heard the Yankees and hemorrhoids comparison before. In Arkansas they say anything north of I40 is Yankee country. lol

And around Stuttgart, AR they say there on two kinds of people, duck hunters and sum bi----s

The Cajuns in Louisiana call anybody north of I-10 yankees. I got several friends in New Orleans who call me one.

They also make fun of the way I talk, cause I use "TH" in words.......as in this, that, thirty, etc. Down there, you say dis, dat, dirty, etc.

However I always stump them when I ask why Thibodaux (Tib-O-doh) isn't pronounced Dibodaux.

[WEMig]

Originally Posted by wmtire

The Cajuns in Louisiana call anybody north of I-10 yankees. I got several friends in New Orleans who call me one.

They also make fun of the way I talk, cause I use "TH" in words.......as in this, that, thirty, etc. Down there, you say dis, dat, dirty, etc.

However I always stump them when I ask why Thibodaux (Tib-O-doh) isn't pronounced Dibodaux.

Yea, that divide in Louisiana is I10; rednecks are to the north and Cajuns are to the south.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by hkreck

Excellent, Myself and a few other Yankee's are coming down to Vicksburg at the end of the month. Thanks for the advise we will try to behave.:-}

I go to Vicksburg a lot as it's only about 80 miles east of me. Are ya visiting for business or pleasure, as I might can give you some tips if needed?

If you aren't familiar with kudzu, you will be before you leave Vicksburg. It's that green stuff growing everywhere and covering everything.

[itat]

Originally Posted by OldCoot

Are you saying they retire and move farther north?

Yup. In Ontario, they move north to cottage country for their permanent house to get away from the urban areas. But many of them play snowbird over the winter in Florida.

[wmtire]

I probably shouldn't be offering this forewarning to northerners who may move south, but since we are all friends here. This is an excerpt from a pamphlet that all southerners receive on their 18th birthday.

Practical Jokes and pranks to pull on Yankee and Northerner Neighbors.

In our previous article we went through the nightmare scenario of having a Yankee move into your neighborhood. This is especially problematic in suburban environments but can be an issue even in rural or farm areas. For farms you just want to make sure you hide the sheep.

In neighborhoods you are going need to deal with this situation swiftly before the property appraiser does a reassessment. The goal is to have the Yankee either move back up north or to a holding area in Southern Florida where they can live out the rest of their life in peace among their own kind.

Here are some simple things you can do to a Northerner that are guaranteed to send them packing. Note – harassment or damaging someones property is obviously illegal and can get you into trouble. Remember that Yankees love to sue people. (Disclaimer – these are meant to be jokes to read and laugh at only.)


Place an ad on craigslist and your local free paper advertising a 1972 Cadillac Bonneville with 20 inch rims and two tone metallic purple paint. Runs like new. The price would be $900 obo. The phone number would, of course, be your Yankee neighbors. A few calls each hour from prospective buyers should make your neighbor go ballistic.

Take a childs toy that makes electronic sounds and pull out the electronics. Wrap them up and activate the noise so it plays continuously. Throw it either into the bushes or on the roof near your Yankee neighbors bedroom window. It should slowly drive them out of their mind.

Get out your local paper and also go to craigslist and buy every rabbit that you can find. Keep your price per rabbit to about $6-$8. Purchase as many as you can and let them out in your Yankee neighbors front yard. Then throw carrots and rabbit food into their yard each night. The rabbits will for the most part be unseen in the day but will come out at night. Yankees hate anything cuddly and cute so it will drive them crazy and they will not know where the rabbits came from. Now, call animal control and complain.

Take a photograph of your Yankee neighbors house and place yet another ad on craigslist in the room for rent section. Make it a pay by the week plan and keep the price low. Utilities and wireless internet included. Put the address and say that prospects can come by anytime. Remember, discrimination is illegal so make sure to include all nationalities.

Go to a local hunting store and purchase skunk oil. What you do with it is your business not mine.

I have heard of people placing small blocks of wood behind peoples tires. When they go to back out of their driveway the car does not move. Drives them crazy.

Tossing bread crumbs and bird seed in their front yard will attract tons of birds but will be mostly invisible to the neighbor. They will just see the birds. Nuts will also attract squirrels. This will drive some Yankees crazy but may possibly amuse others. Worth a try.

Whatever you do. Do not make a German Swastika in their yard using Round Up. That would be illegal.


You can put Vaseline on door knobs and car doors. This is especially cruel when the person is coming home drunk which many Yankees do as they try to drown their personalities.

Make them a batch of caramel covered onions. They will look just like apples but with quite a different taste.

Sprinkle garlic powder in their shoes. They will be brushing their teeth for a week trying to freshen their breath.

Adjust their sprinklers so that they hit the windows of their house. Simple but effective.

A simple ad in the craigslist personal section can be very effective. Your Yankee neighbor will enjoy the phone calls from prospective dates. But be careful. It may make them stay longer.

Tie string across their driveway or across the street. This is very harmless but seems to drive people crazy. I don’t know why.


Tie a string to a realistic looking stuffed animal. Place the animal on the other side of the street with you hiding across the street. When your neighbor comes down the street pull the stuffed animal into their path. You can even put a water balloon filled with fake blood inside the animal for a cool effect.

Whatever you do. Do NOT take a garbage can 3/4 full of water and lean it against your Yankee neighbors front door. Then do not knock on that door at midnight.

Collect all the garage door openers that you find. Each night, set the switches to different setting and try them on your Yankee neighbors garage door. You will eventually get a match. Once you do just open their door at 3 am each morning. They won’t know whether they left it open or what.


At 2 am load up their front yard with furniture, boxes of cloths, toys, household goods, etc.. Then put some garage sale signs out.

Don’t purchase live mice at your local pet store and do not put them anywhere near a Yankees house or car. This would really freak someone out.

Purchase a fake but realistic rubber snake. Toss the snake on your neighbors front porch. When they come out to get the paper won’t they be surprised. They will just laugh and laugh.

[wmtire]

For generations true Americans have tried to rid their land of Yankees. It has proven to be a difficult task. During the time of the bubonic plague the cure was simply to take away things that made rats feel at home. When they did this the rats left and the plague went away. Getting rid of northerners works the same way. Just make them a little uncomfortable and one by one they will go home.

• Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If a northerner says “Civil War” just look confused.
  
• Just exist. The very existence of other people seems to annoy them.
• Put a Confederate Flag either in your yard, or on your truck.
  
• Refer to Jefferson Davis as “Former President Jefferson Davis”.
• Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke. If they ask for a soda pretend you don’t know what that is. Then say, “Oh you mean a Coke”.
• When a Yankee starts to talk about how they miss the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back.
• Speak VERY slowly. Also, ask them to speak slowly so you can understand them. If they mispronounce a word ask them to spell it and then offer a correction. They really appreciate it.
• Take your time. If you see one behind you in traffic just go the speed limit and wait for the horn and finger.
• If you are up north, always make sure to ask for Grits. They won’t know what you mean. Then make a big deal out of it.
• Talk loudly about NASCAR, truck pulls and SEC football.
• Have them call you by your first AND middle name. Example – Bobby Ray, Amy Jo, Lisa Ann.
• Address them as “Yes Sir”, “No Sir” or “Yes Maam”, “No Maam”. I am not sure why but they hate that.
• When visiting the north, talk often about how mild the winters are where you live.
• Name all your kids Bubba or Buddy. Also, if you don’t know a yankees name just call him Buddy.
• Bad mouth hockey.
• Use terms like “Out Yonder”, “Ain’t”, “Fetch”, and “Fixin to”.
• Tell them that you like their accent and that you wish you had one.
• When they curse and are rude (which will happen), ask them what is really bothering them and offer to talk to them about. The more sympathy you use the madder they will get.
• Play “Sweet Home Alabama” loud and often.
• Take them to see the movie “Deliverance” and then offer to take them camping.
• If all else fails just call them a Yankee. Never fails.

[electrician549]

From a DY that married a good southern gal it all fits. All we do is dream about is being able to get back south.