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Old 12-09-2012, 08:09 PM   #1
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Wal-Mart Greeter

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
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Old 12-09-2012, 08:26 PM   #2
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That funny!
I've been told I don't have a filter and say what I think, I don't think I'm cut out for that job either!
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Old 12-09-2012, 08:28 PM   #3
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Environment Canada has issued a travel warning
due to the snowfall and bad road conditions.



They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables




I looked like a friggin' idiot on the bus this morning!
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Old 12-09-2012, 08:34 PM   #4
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THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding-invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived,
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me,
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old 12-09-2012, 08:36 PM   #5
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That's a good one!
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Old 12-09-2012, 08:39 PM   #6
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Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:39 PM   #7
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that's a good one, I have to tell my wife that one, she is Scottish!
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