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Old 05-21-2011, 11:36 AM   #1
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Warning Signs of Insanity joke

Insanity

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Chicago Cubs.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.




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Old 05-22-2011, 01:28 PM   #2
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i put tennis balls under my wiper blades they dont hatch
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG
brianj
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:37 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tncruiser View Post
i put tennis balls under my wiper blades they dont hatch
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG
brianj
Brian, I had similar problem until MtnGuy pointed out that you must drive in reverse during this incubation period. Too much direct wind will make the tennis balls infertile. Also, you must use windshield washer fluid sparingly during this crucial time.

Also, just to make sure........you aren't using "table" tennis balls by any chance..........cause those are a real pain to grow. You have to first place them in a hollowed out potato, then put them in a dark place like your glove box.

Hope this helps.
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Old 05-23-2011, 05:42 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
Brian, I had similar problem until MtnGuy pointed out that you must drive in reverse during this incubation period. Too much direct wind will make the tennis balls infertile. Also, you must use windshield washer fluid sparingly during this crucial time.

Also, just to make sure........you aren't using "table" tennis balls by any chance..........cause those are a real pain to grow. You have to first place them in a hollowed out potato, then put them in a dark place like your glove box.

Hope this helps.
it doesnt help i dont have a glove box ,my tennis balls are the dayglo type is any special treatment needed at night
brianj
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Old 05-23-2011, 06:12 PM   #5
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it doesnt help i dont have a glove box ,my tennis balls are the dayglo type is any special treatment needed at night
brianj
Well Brian, I believe you can use "any" box that gloves come in...but I haven't had a lot of luck with baseball gloves.

My only experience with the dayglo variety was when I placed several of those kind in one of those big plastic egg containers (the kind that pantyhose come packaged in)....then placed it under my neighbors hen. That chicken still goes to psychotherapy sessions twice a week since I did that.

Maybe someone else has some pointers on this. I do know that sometimes at night, when the moon is full, I need special treatment........but I digress
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