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Old 07-24-2015, 10:04 AM   #1
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Work humor

My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"

"Yes, I think so," I replied.

"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up here to talk to you..."

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My Boss is a jerk. He has two mistresses - neither of which he loves - he doesn't start work till nearly 11 and spends most of the day playing video games.

I love being self-employed.

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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

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Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company."

Guy 2: "What did he say?"

Guy 1: "Leave the company."

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My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes Pete."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was a good one, send me another."

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My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

============================

I did some odd jobs around the house today.

I vacuumed the ceiling, painted the oven and built a new door-way.

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The company I work for state clearly in the protocol that they do not tolerate racism in the workplace.

Apparently they don't tolerate it in the parking lot either.

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A man goes up to his bosses office and says, "Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other companies are after me."

"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well which companies would they be?"

The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas companies"

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My wife got a new job recently. It's hard to say what she does...

She sells sea shells..........

===========================

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said an employer to a prospective employee.

"I'm your man," replied the potential employee. "On my last job, every time things went wrong, they said I was responsible".
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Old 09-16-2015, 05:43 PM   #2
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My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."
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Old 04-30-2016, 10:32 AM   #3
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I've just seen a job ad in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
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