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Old 11-01-2014, 09:17 AM   #1
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Workplace rules for 2015.

New Rules

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management
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Old 11-01-2014, 09:34 AM   #2
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I wonder if I have any letterhead in my desk...

That was great!


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Old 11-01-2014, 09:52 AM   #3
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sounds like my work
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Old 11-01-2014, 01:51 PM   #4
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Are those the rules in your shop?

Glad I worked for the government
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Old 11-01-2014, 02:42 PM   #5
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LOL
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Old 11-02-2014, 08:36 AM   #6
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My first boss had those rules. He went out of business somehow.

Remember, the beatings will continue until you improve your moral!
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:14 AM   #7
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I have 20 sick days on the book and plan on burning most of them in the next six months before I quit. Called in sick last Friday just for the hell of it.
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Old 11-02-2014, 11:44 PM   #8
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Got you beat Blackrock I have 90 days on the books going to retire in 6months and plan on leaving with 0
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Old 11-03-2014, 12:09 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
New Rules

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
This sounds so much like my previous boss that only allow 1 day of bereavement. He got so mad that the owner gave me 3 days off work to attend my grandmother's funeral that was out of state.
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Old 11-03-2014, 05:07 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B47 View Post
Are those the rules in your shop?
They are now.

I have a cutout from the newspaper from 20+ years ago, that is stapled to a bulletin board here at the shop. I took a pic of it with my phone as it's too old, faded and brittle to take down and scan. It's probably my favorite.

It states:

First of all, we're not just another slave ship, we're a family

The first explanation of the employer-employee relationship
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