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Old 05-20-2015, 11:19 AM   #1
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Animal jokes

I just don't understand what's wrong with my dog.

He acts like his entire family was murdered by this vacuum cleaner.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

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My daughter's pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

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Disney's live action version of Winnie the Pooh has been riddled with setbacks.

A spokesman from Disney was quoted as saying "We went through 3 Christopher Robins before we decided to make Pooh and Tigger CGI".

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My wife and I decided it was time to come clean, and tell our boy he's adopted.

He didn't take it too badly overall, just sat there and said, "Meow."

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I have a sneaky suspicion that cats and dogs are hoarding many single women to themselves.

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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.

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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks,

"Awesome, now we're both barking."

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I just read about this guy in Australia who went Kayaking for the first time, and got killed by a Great White Shark.

And I thought ... "Wouldn't that be Kayaking for the LAST time then ...?"
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Old 05-20-2015, 11:28 AM   #2
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Love the last three!
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Old 05-20-2015, 11:59 AM   #3
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a few more:

I overheard my wife telling our son that she would take on a grizzly bear to protect him, even tho she knew she'd lose.

Does anyone know where a grizzly bear can be purchased? ..I'm asking for a friend
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I created an extra large scratching post for my cat today.

Well, I stood the sofa up on its side. Same thing.

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A wasp flew into the living room today, so I grabbed a rolled up newspaper and handled the situation in the best possible way.

By going to the bathroom and leaving my wife to deal with it.

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Free to good home:
Bobby, 4 years old lab, ex police sniffer dog;
friendly, good with kids, and might have a small
cocaine habit....

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My girlfriend bought herself a puppy and the last few days it's been using the bathroom everywhere.

It's OUR puppy now apparently.

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How did the chicken with no head cross the road?

In a KFC box.

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The 'Blonde Wildlife Association' have put penguins on the 'critically endangered' list.

After their two month expedition to the North Pole, they didn't find a single one.

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I went to my cat's funeral today.

Hopefully for the last time

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My neighbor painted BEWARE OF THE DOGS on his garden gate yesterday.

So , having had recent experience of being in said garden , I added -HIT

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Life is about changing perspectives and priorities: I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don't care if they both are.
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Old 05-22-2015, 02:44 PM   #4
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I am so stealing some of these!
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"Happiness? A good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
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