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Old 08-06-2020, 06:21 PM   #2001
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I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems.

The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.



Wow, I believe this is the 2000th post in this thread.
Are you sure? Look again. Besides I didn't think you could count that high.
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Old 08-06-2020, 06:41 PM   #2002
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Are you sure? Look again. Besides I didn't think you could count that high.
I cheated. I looked at post count before that post and then at yours which is 2001.
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Old 08-07-2020, 09:19 PM   #2003
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Although this is a true story from Yahoo News, and not a joke...the ending sentence is from a well known one though, and it did make me laugh.

An Alaska man went toe-to-toe with a home-intruding black bear, outlets report, putting himself between 10 children and the 300-pound predator that wandered into the living room. The fight was scary for Brandon McVey, but he survived, walking away with some nasty puncture wounds to his chest and scratches across his shoulders, the Anchorage Daily News reported.

McVey was visiting his friend Norman Lott at his home around 11 p.m. July 31 in Juneau, Alaska, when the bear came in through an open door, the Daily News said. “Mom was able to gather up the kids and lock them in a back room with herself while the father and a friend tried to shoo the bear out of the main living area,” Alaska Department of Fish and Game’s Roy Churchwell told KTOO. “The bear did jump on the friend at one point as they were trying to shoo it out.”

One of the children, a 2-year-old, had tried to touch the bear before his mother, Angela Lott, snatched him up and ran off to the bedroom, the Daily News said. McVey and Lott tried to scare the bear off by yelling.
“He just jumped up and basically hit me, and then I kind of threw an elbow the same time he was hitting me, and he sat me right down,” McVey told the Daily News. Instead of continuing the one-sided brawl, the panicked beast started searching for a fast exit, damaged the entryway, and escaped into the woods, KTOO reported.

Bear sightings and encounters are becoming more common in the area, Churchwell told KTOO. Churchwell says it’s likely because natural food sources aren’t as plentiful in the summer.“There aren’t hardly any fish in the rivers for the bears to eat currently, and the berry crop seems to be pretty minimal and failed, maybe even failed in some areas,” Churchwell said.
Area residents have also spotted bears trying to break into vehicles, according to the outlet. Authorities set traps near the residence following the attack and captured a different, smaller bear. The culprit is described as weighing between 250 to 300 pounds, and has a faded ear tag, KTOO said.

Bears have been more aggressive than usual this year, the National Park Service says. At least seven people have been attacked by grizzly bears in Yellowstone National Park since July 24, McClatchy News reported. There’s usually only one such incident by this point in the year.

Officials in Vermont say bears have taken to entering homes and behaving aggressively, McClatchy reported. The Park Service had this advice for bear encounters: “If you come upon a stationary bear, move away slowly and sideways; this allows you to keep an eye on the bear and avoid tripping,” NPS officials said. “Moving sideways is also non-threatening to bears. Do NOT run, but if the bear follows, stop and hold your ground.”

Some pointers were a little tongue-in-cheek.
“Do NOT climb a tree,” NPS said. “Both grizzlies and black bears can climb trees.⁣⁣ Do NOT push down a slower friend (even if you think the friendship has run its course).”
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Old 08-07-2020, 09:27 PM   #2004
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I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name ‘Paperman’.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn’t want me beating him.
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Old 08-07-2020, 09:34 PM   #2005
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Although this is a true story from Yahoo News, and not a joke...the ending sentence is from a well known one though, and it did make me laugh.

An Alaska man went toe-to-toe with a home-intruding black bear, outlets report, putting himself between 10 children and the 300-pound predator that wandered into the living room. The fight was scary for Brandon McVey, but he survived, walking away with some nasty puncture wounds to his chest and scratches across his shoulders, the Anchorage Daily News reported.

McVey was visiting his friend Norman Lott at his home around 11 p.m. July 31 in Juneau, Alaska, when the bear came in through an open door, the Daily News said. “Mom was able to gather up the kids and lock them in a back room with herself while the father and a friend tried to shoo the bear out of the main living area,” Alaska Department of Fish and Game’s Roy Churchwell told KTOO. “The bear did jump on the friend at one point as they were trying to shoo it out.”

One of the children, a 2-year-old, had tried to touch the bear before his mother, Angela Lott, snatched him up and ran off to the bedroom, the Daily News said. McVey and Lott tried to scare the bear off by yelling.
“He just jumped up and basically hit me, and then I kind of threw an elbow the same time he was hitting me, and he sat me right down,” McVey told the Daily News. Instead of continuing the one-sided brawl, the panicked beast started searching for a fast exit, damaged the entryway, and escaped into the woods, KTOO reported.

Bear sightings and encounters are becoming more common in the area, Churchwell told KTOO. Churchwell says it’s likely because natural food sources aren’t as plentiful in the summer.“There aren’t hardly any fish in the rivers for the bears to eat currently, and the berry crop seems to be pretty minimal and failed, maybe even failed in some areas,” Churchwell said.
Area residents have also spotted bears trying to break into vehicles, according to the outlet. Authorities set traps near the residence following the attack and captured a different, smaller bear. The culprit is described as weighing between 250 to 300 pounds, and has a faded ear tag, KTOO said.

Bears have been more aggressive than usual this year, the National Park Service says. At least seven people have been attacked by grizzly bears in Yellowstone National Park since July 24, McClatchy News reported. There’s usually only one such incident by this point in the year.

Officials in Vermont say bears have taken to entering homes and behaving aggressively, McClatchy reported. The Park Service had this advice for bear encounters: “If you come upon a stationary bear, move away slowly and sideways; this allows you to keep an eye on the bear and avoid tripping,” NPS officials said. “Moving sideways is also non-threatening to bears. Do NOT run, but if the bear follows, stop and hold your ground.”

Some pointers were a little tongue-in-cheek.
“Do NOT climb a tree,” NPS said. “Both grizzlies and black bears can climb trees.⁣⁣ Do NOT push down a slower friend (even if you think the friendship has run its course).”
Like the old joke where two hikers encountered a bear on the trail. One hiker got down and changed into some track shoes he had in his pack. Other hiker said "you can't outrun that bear". Other hiker replied, "I know, I only have to outrun you".
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Old 08-08-2020, 02:24 PM   #2006
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Old 08-08-2020, 02:27 PM   #2007
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That made me laugh instantly.


And it would be 200 degrees
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Old 08-08-2020, 02:42 PM   #2008
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I once took a flight with ten grand worth of coke on me.



The bottle prices in those airport vending machines is atrocious.
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Old 08-08-2020, 03:52 PM   #2009
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During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
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Old 08-08-2020, 05:13 PM   #2010
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That made me laugh instantly.


And it would be 200 degrees
I’m glad I gave you a good laugh. And you don’t even have to write about me next Monday!
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Old 08-08-2020, 05:18 PM   #2011
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That made me laugh instantly.


And it would be 200 degrees
And land in a pool of alcohol
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Old 08-08-2020, 05:34 PM   #2012
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During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
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Old 08-08-2020, 07:06 PM   #2013
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Old 08-10-2020, 02:21 PM   #2014
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Old 08-10-2020, 02:38 PM   #2015
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Old 08-10-2020, 03:34 PM   #2016
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Old 08-10-2020, 08:04 PM   #2017
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Old 08-29-2020, 07:04 AM   #2018
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Old 08-30-2020, 07:18 PM   #2019
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Old 09-01-2020, 10:26 PM   #2020
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