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Old 10-15-2020, 10:55 AM   #2061
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I hate people who rant on about their phobias.

I have a terrible fear of heights, but you won't find me shouting about it from the rooftops.
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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 10-15-2020, 01:44 PM   #2062
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...
Thx, I really needed a good laugh
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Old 10-15-2020, 02:31 PM   #2063
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I’ll tell you about the most disgusting thing that ever happened to me.

I was at festival once, beautiful hot day and I was keen to get drunk, but I was broke. So I was sneaking the odd drink from people here and there, when I spotted a pint glass, almost full with a golden yellow liquid. I excitedly assumed it was someone’s beer, so I went for it. Picked it up and it felt a bit warm but I just thought it’d been out in the sun. So I drank it.

Honestly, it was the most vile thing I’ve ever tasted! You’ve probably guessed what it was already...

Coors.
Bobby, your story reminds me of the one that Dad used to tell, about the guy who would go to a bar and, almost without fail, would have to go to the restroom just as his third or fourth beer arrived. Tired of having guys (like you ) drink his fresh beer, one day he devised a solution. Before going to the restroom, he took a napkin and leaned it against his beer with a note that said, "I spit in this beer." Sadly, when he returned there was a second note that said, "So did I."
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Old 10-16-2020, 09:18 AM   #2064
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We call that "Colorado Koolaid"
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Old 10-16-2020, 10:52 AM   #2065
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I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I am now dealing with Emotional Baggage
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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 10-16-2020, 02:47 PM   #2066
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I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I am now dealing with Emotional Baggage
Quit trying to put up with all of those whiny suitcases, and just get a grip!
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Old 10-16-2020, 07:32 PM   #2067
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I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I am now dealing with Emotional Baggage


I figured it was the ex that got the suitcases when she moved out with your other assets??? So it was you that moved out with the suitcases??

Russell
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Old 10-16-2020, 09:10 PM   #2068
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Awesome
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Old 10-16-2020, 09:36 PM   #2069
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What did the fish say when it swam into the wall????????????


.................
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Old 10-16-2020, 09:51 PM   #2070
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I figured it was the ex that got the suitcases when she moved out with your other assets??? l

No it was her that moved out. I even filmed her packing and leaving that day. Here you go:




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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 10-19-2020, 10:54 AM   #2071
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The news is saying that an asteroid could hit the earth, possibly on November 3.

In other news, Walmart is reporting heavy shopping crowds have completely depleted the shelves of Preperation-H.
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Old 10-19-2020, 11:13 PM   #2072
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No it was her that moved out. I even filmed her packing and leaving that day. Here you go:




With one that ugly why did you marry her? Second question, why did you stick around after she lifted her veil at the alter?


I'm not going to bring up her aggressive behavior.
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Old 10-19-2020, 11:27 PM   #2073
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"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
never ask a pretty woman to be your wife,
so from [his] personal point of view,
ask an ugly girl to marry you."

Note the original lyricist did NOT say you would be happy with an ugly woman.
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Old 10-19-2020, 11:35 PM   #2074
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With one that ugly why did you marry her? Second question, why did you stick around after she lifted her veil at the alter?


I'm not going to bring up her aggressive behavior.

I've said it before and it is very true. You know the old saying of "opposites attract"? It applied to us. She was pregnant, and I wasn't.


Ya may not think she looks as bad as I do, but I am very biased.
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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 10-20-2020, 05:59 AM   #2075
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Did your kids pick up on the “hair” genes?

Russell
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Old 10-20-2020, 06:08 AM   #2076
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Did your kids pick up on the “hair” genes?

Russell
How do you tell a little boy chromosome from a little girl chromosome?
Look in their genes!
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Old 10-20-2020, 09:41 AM   #2077
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I've said it before and it is very true. You know the old saying of "opposites attract"? It applied to us. She was pregnant, and I wasn't.


Ya may not think she looks as bad as I do, but I am very biased.
I can relate. Looking back, child support would have been far cheaper than "doing the right thing".
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Old 10-20-2020, 11:51 AM   #2078
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An Oldie but Still Goodie

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh crap!"

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various
flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SOB TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a .....' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Old 10-21-2020, 06:37 PM   #2079
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Showed this to my Son. His response---'"Tools that bite"
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Old 10-22-2020, 02:05 PM   #2080
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TOOLS EXPLAINED


That post almost deserves its own thread
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