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Old 11-22-2020, 06:51 PM   #2141
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I'm sorry, that was bad.
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Old 11-23-2020, 09:38 PM   #2142
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I said to my doctor, "I'm having serious problems with my memory."

He said, "Give me an example."

I said, "The other day I spent two hours in a multi story parking garage trying to remember where I'd parked my car."

He laughed and said, "That's nothing to worry about, we've all done that."

I said, "I don't own a car."
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Old 11-24-2020, 01:27 PM   #2143
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2020 Pickup line:


If Coronavirus doesn't take you out can I?
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Old 11-25-2020, 12:28 AM   #2144
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Two boys Billy and Bobby were out in front of the house raking leaves.
Billy says to Bobby we’re old enough to rake leaves so I think we’re old enough to cuss.
Bobby agrees and then Billy says I’ll say hell and you say damn.
When they go in for lunch their mother asked them what they would like and Billy says oh hell mom just give me another peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Billy‘s mom yells at him and swat him all the way upstairs and closes him in his room.
Returning to the kitchen the mother asks Bobby what he wants for lunch and he says for damn sure it won’t be peanut butter and jelly.
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Old 11-25-2020, 03:55 PM   #2145
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It seems the world has gotten more and more polarized over the last few decades, so I decided to do something about it: I stopped wearing sunglasses.
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Old 11-26-2020, 05:22 PM   #2146
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Happy Thanksgiving all.....
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Old 11-26-2020, 07:45 PM   #2147
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Where does a one-legged waitress work?











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Old 11-26-2020, 08:52 PM   #2148
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In all my many days, I never thought my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth.
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Old 11-27-2020, 10:53 AM   #2149
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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 11-27-2020, 10:54 AM   #2150
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I had a job making circles from paper but I quit.

I wasn't cutting corners for no one.
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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 11-28-2020, 04:09 PM   #2151
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From another forum:
"If anyone is going to be alone this Christmas and has no one to spend it with, please let me know.

I really need to borrow some chairs."
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Old 11-28-2020, 05:48 PM   #2152
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A new movie is in production for the holidays.

It uses the same basic storyline as "A Christmas Carol" - but instead of having Ebenezer Scrooge as the protagonist, the story is modernized to use a middle-aged soccer mom with a wedge haircut.

A ghost shows her past, her present, her future in an attempt to get her to change her ways.

She demands to speak to his manager.

They are calling it "A Christmas Karen"
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Old 11-28-2020, 06:30 PM   #2153
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Some Black Friday Humor

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?

They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed!
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Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year

********

Black Friday = Broke Saturday

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What was the horse looking for on Black Friday?

A Macintosh.

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How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal?

Don't worry they'll let you know.

******

Who profits the most on Black Friday?

The one who was smart enough not to go shopping on that day.
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Old 11-30-2020, 11:48 AM   #2154
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So true....
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There are times where my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut...

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Old 11-30-2020, 11:54 AM   #2155
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So true....
Has anyone filed a claim with their insurance for smoke damage to their clothing?
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Old 11-30-2020, 05:14 PM   #2156
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So true....
Same thing happens to non-smokers when there is a smoker nearby.
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Old 11-30-2020, 05:23 PM   #2157
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So true....
Look into a Solo Stove.

If you wait until warm weather, you can find them cheap. I got my "Bonfire" model at Sam's for $150 with the optional base included in the box.
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Old 11-30-2020, 05:59 PM   #2158
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Why couldn't the bicycle make it up the hill?





It was two tired.
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Old 11-30-2020, 06:11 PM   #2159
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1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurts
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing = 1 IV League
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Old 11-30-2020, 06:36 PM   #2160
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Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who jump off bridges in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted -taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.


OK, now I'm done with corny.
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