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Old 06-14-2017, 04:27 PM   #201
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May have told this one before. But....

Overheard two chickens talking in the yard.
"Just once I wish I could cross the road without having my motives questioned."
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Old 06-15-2017, 10:29 AM   #202
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I came downstairs at 3 in the morning because I heard noises. I got down there and saw a burglar shining a flashlight around.

I said to him "what do you think you're doing?"

He said "I'm looking for money, jewellery or anything expensive I can sell"

I said "well flip that light switch over there on and we'll both have a look"
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:16 PM   #203
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The Mystery Machine.

It's a van.

Mystery solved.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:27 PM   #204
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post


The Mystery Machine.

It's a van.

Mystery solved.
You are reaching. lol...
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Old 06-21-2017, 09:31 AM   #205
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You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number...
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:12 PM   #206
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When The Incredible Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris!
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:23 PM   #207
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When The Incredible Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris!
The boogie man checks under his bed and in the closet to see if Chuck Norris is in there...
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:38 PM   #208
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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:49 PM   #209
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Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
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Old 06-21-2017, 04:15 PM   #210
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Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
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Old 07-14-2017, 09:31 AM   #211
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Using my iPhone to check on the weather, I asked Siri: "Surely its not going to rain again today?"

It replied, "it is, and don't call me Shirley!"

I'd forgotten to take my phone off Airplane mode!!
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Old 07-14-2017, 09:33 AM   #212
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Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My granny had one. She slipped and fell one day while the cat literally sat there and did nothing.
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Old 07-19-2017, 10:37 PM   #213
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Sometimes, the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot...
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Save the Earth. Itís the only known planet with Beer.
There are times where my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut...

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Old 07-19-2017, 10:39 PM   #214
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Growing old is hard work...
The mind says "yes" but the body says "what the hell are you thinking".
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Save the Earth. Itís the only known planet with Beer.
There are times where my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut...

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Old 07-19-2017, 10:41 PM   #215
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Got tasered at the airport today...
Apparently security doesn't like it when you yell "Hi Jack".
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Save the Earth. Itís the only known planet with Beer.
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Old 07-19-2017, 10:47 PM   #216
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Have you ever listened to someone for a while and thought "who ties your shoelaces for you"?
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Save the Earth. Itís the only known planet with Beer.
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Old 07-21-2017, 11:31 PM   #217
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"I was going to be a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening."

George Carlin
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:46 AM   #218
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Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore.

It's gone viral.
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:28 AM   #219
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I think I can only name 3 male Motown groups ?

Maybe 4 Tops ...
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Old 08-02-2017, 05:45 PM   #220
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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: Whatís up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
Husband: Well you donít remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
Then you said:
Please go change the baby, Iíll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.
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Save the Earth. Itís the only known planet with Beer.
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