cute joke(s)

[SailorSam20500]

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words
"The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."




Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for
forty (40) are " XL."

[Bugs Off Pads]

UK CLASSIFIED ADS ........You have to love British humor!
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper.

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

[DougW]

What few words can a man say that will cause a room full of women to become completely silent and give him their undivided attention?

B 7.....I 20....

[Scrapper]

Originally Posted by DougW

What few words can a man say that will cause a room full of women to become completely silent and give him their undivided attention?

B 7.....I 20....

Until someone shouts BINGO!

[TitanMike]

Originally Posted by Scrapper

Until someone shouts BINGO!

They say that that word can cause even the most polite Grandma to swear like a sailor[emoji16]

[DougW]

Originally Posted by TitanMike

They say that that word can cause even the most polite Grandma to swear like a sailor[emoji16]

That’s the second joke I had for later.

How do you get a sweet old lady to say “screw You”?

Holler BINGO!!

[NavyLCDR]

This has not been a good morning. After spending the last 3-4 weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible mistake!

I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.

Thankfully the manager at Dollar General came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant...

[wmtire]

Just been for my annual check up with my GP who suggested I need an earring made.

What a strange thing to say..

[DougW]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Just been for my annual check up with my GP who suggested I need an earring made.

What a strange thing to say..

That might explain some of the weird things you think people say to you at the store.

[kenandterry]

Originally Posted by SailorSam20500

I spotted a picture of Ken of kenandterry. Apparently Ken's taken up dog mushing!

Ecologically better, but not as exciting.

[NXR]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Just been for my annual check up with my GP who suggested I need an earring made.

What a strange thing to say..

Which ear did he suggest? And then he have an earring in the same ear...?

[TitanMike]

Lost dog poster:


LOST

Male Terrier

Neutered,
Only has three legs
Also missing one eye and one ear

Answers to "Lucky".

[JWood422]

My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Apparently Jack and the beans talk.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by JWood422

My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Apparently Jack and the beans talk.

That one is making my text rounds.

[Cyote61]

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

[Rolling Chaos]

You can't run through a campground.

You can only RAN, because it's past tents.

[emm-dee]

And then there is this:
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

[Cyote61]

After I retired, my wife absolutely insisted that I

accompany her on herall-too-frequenttrips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring

and prefer to get in and get out of the store quickly.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most

women ...she loves to browse.

Anyway, I’m in trouble now because yesterday

my dear wife received the following letter

from the local Walmart store.

“Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has

caused quite a commotion in our store.

Our complaints against him are listed below and

are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15:

He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them

in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2:

He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to

go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 19:

He walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares – get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station,

for which she receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.

In turn, management became involved, wasting

managerial time and money.

August 4:

He went to the Service Desk and tried to

reserve a bag of potato chips.

August 14:

He moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign

to a carpeted area.

August 18:

He set up a tent in the Camping Department and

told shoppers’ children that they could come inside it

if they brought pillows and blankets from the Bedding

Department ... twenty children obliged.

August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him,

he beganto cry,andthenscreamed,

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Emergency Medics were called, which

disrupted shoppers.

September 4:

He looked right into the security camera and

used it as a mirror while he picked his teeth.

September 10:

While handling guns in the Sporting Department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3:

He darted around the store in a suspicious manner

while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6:

In the Auto Department, he practiced a 'Madonna look'

by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18:

He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through it he yelled: 'CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!'

October 22:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker,

he assumed the fetal position and screamed

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

October 24:

He took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk

and asked where the fitting room was.

October 28:

He went into a fitting room, shut the door,

waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

In the circumstances, we can no longer tolerate his

behavior and are forced to ban both of you from the store.”

[Fun finders]

Originally Posted by Cyote61

After I retired, my wife absolutely insisted that I

accompany her on herall-too-frequenttrips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring

and prefer to get in and get out of the store quickly.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most

women ...she loves to browse.

Anyway, I’m in trouble now because yesterday

my dear wife received the following letter

from the local Walmart store.

“Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has

caused quite a commotion in our store.

Our complaints against him are listed below and

are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15:

He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them

in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2:

He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to

go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 19:

He walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares – get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station,

for which she receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.

In turn, management became involved, wasting

managerial time and money.

August 4:

He went to the Service Desk and tried to

reserve a bag of potato chips.

August 14:

He moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign

to a carpeted area.

August 18:

He set up a tent in the Camping Department and

told shoppers’ children that they could come inside it

if they brought pillows and blankets from the Bedding

Department ... twenty children obliged.

August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him,

he beganto cry,andthenscreamed,

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Emergency Medics were called, which

disrupted shoppers.

September 4:

He looked right into the security camera and

used it as a mirror while he picked his teeth.

September 10:

While handling guns in the Sporting Department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3:

He darted around the store in a suspicious manner

while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6:

In the Auto Department, he practiced a 'Madonna look'

by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18:

He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through it he yelled: 'CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!'

October 22:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker,

he assumed the fetal position and screamed

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

October 24:

He took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk

and asked where the fitting room was.

October 28:

He went into a fitting room, shut the door,

waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

In the circumstances, we can no longer tolerate his

behavior and are forced to ban both of you from the store.”

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are. Next time I get dragged to the store I’m gonna try some of those.

[Rolling Chaos]

[QUOTE=Cyote61; ]After I retired, my wife absolutely insisted that I
accompany her on her all-too-frequent trips to Walmart.

OK this one got me chuckling pretty good. The whole thing is just funny.