cute joke(s)

[wmtire]

I was walking past the barber shop today and he had a sign in the window that read: 'Haircuts - $5 each' so I went in.

When he'd finished he said, "Right Sir, that'll be $450,000 please."

[DavidBo]

"My dog has no nose."
"Well, then how does he smell?"

"Awful!"

Ripped of from one of the more hilarious Monty Python skits. Cracks me up every time.

[wmtire]

I'm starting to think that maybe the gym isn't really for me.

I went in this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups

And woke up 2 hours later

[wmtire]

After weeks of development, I've come up with best morning work out routine.

Start by stretching, bend down, knees straight, and touch your toes.

Untie the laces on your shoes, take them off, and go back to bed.

[wmtire]

I'll never forget the day, March 25th 2015. A spaceship landed and I was approached by an alien who gave me six numbers.

"Use these on your lottery, " he said, "I will return in one week, please be here. "

So I rushed off and used the numbers on the lottery. They were crud, not one number matched. So I went to the meeting place a week later and sure enough the craft landed again and the alien approached me.

"Well" I said, "those numbers were a waste of time, what was all that about?"

"We've been studying your language and customs for many years now, " replied the alien, "April fool."

[wmtire]

Trust me.

Education is important but becoming a model is importanter.

[Craigmkd]

Hope this is clean enough--- Rodney Dangerfield
' I Tell ya I get no respect - when I got home from work the other day there was a naked guy jogging in front of my house - I asked him what he was doing there? So he says ' You came home early'

[wmtire]

How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?


We're on our sixth one so far.

[Restcure]

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?

[Craigmkd]

Blond Joke
Pretty blonde neighbor needs to make some extra money so she goes around her neighborhood knocking on doors to see if anyone needs any odd jobs done. Finally one neighbor says 'Sure can you paint my porch for $100' Blond says 'That would be great'. Neighbor says 'Everything you need is in the shed'. Blond gets to work and about an hour goes by and she knocks on the door again to get paid. Neighbor comes to the door and says 'Wow you did that fast let me get your money' Blond says 'Super! And oh by the way it's a Lexus not a Porsche '

[SailorSam20500]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

[wmtire]

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.

"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"

"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"

"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"

"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.

"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

[wmtire]

The car salesman was such a smooth talker,

I even upgraded to the all-vegan leather package.

[wmtire]

My grandad tried to warn them about the Titanic.

He shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the cinema.

[Scrapper]

wmtire, someone has way too much time on his hands. I hope you're retired. If you worked for me, I'd have you fried.

[Platokidd]

Originally Posted by Scrapper

wmtire, someone has way too much time on his hands. I hope you're retired. If you worked for me, I'd have you fried.

Now Im sure wmtire only post and surfs on break.How long those breaks are is another topic

[lesptr]

Hard to fire a man who’s self employed.

[Scrapper]

Originally Posted by lesptr

Hard to fire a man who’s self employed.

You would know it's a joke if you noticed how the last word is spelled.

[lesptr]

Originally Posted by Scrapper

You would know it's a joke if you noticed how the last word is spelled.

Doh, I missed that.
They say 5 out of 4 people are dyslexic.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by lesptr

Doh, I missed that.
They say 5 out of 4 people are dyslexic.

I thought it was 5/4ths of all people are bad with fractions.