cute joke(s)

[wmtire]

I've just finished writing my book on penguins...

The judge said I should have used paper instead.

[Cyote61]

Originally Posted by wmtire

I was very good at selling security alarms door to door...

If no one was home, I'd leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

That would work very well I think.

[Aussieguy]

headline news Today


72 Year Old Finally Gets A job


Long Live the King
and Bless them both

[wmtire]

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy Bruce".

One day Bruce's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with the incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform, in Newcastle. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend, Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner! Don't tell me you thought stupid Bruce became a heart surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you, sweetcheeks.

[Aussieguy]

So Paddy from Parramatta ( western suburb of Sydney) won the lottery.
He decide to join the Exclusive Tatersalls Club in Sydney..
wearing his best shorts, thongs and blue singlet, Paddy said to the club Secretary I wanna join up!

Secretary reply with a smirk....... Will cost ya $10,000
Paddy pulls out a huge wad of cash....

Secretary thought for a minute then smiled and said... You also need 3 references from Famous peoples.

Paddy pipes up ...... Ohhh how about President Eisenhower , The Queen and the Pope.

"You're pulling me leg , no way you know them." said the Secretary
"Common then....Well we'll just have to go see them", snapped back Paddy

First off, to the White house, The Secretary tried his best to get in but was told it takes a year to grant an appointment.

Paddy then told the guard... Hey .. tell Ike Paddy's looking fer him , concerning a certain Jeep that went missing during the war.
10 minutes later they are sitting in the Oval Office sipping coffee

Next ... Buckingham Palace.
Same thing Secretary can't get in...
Paddy tells the usher tell the Queen it's Paddy, who taught her about fixing them Ambulances.
10 Minutes later .... they are petting the corgis and Paddy is pouring the tea!


Then off to the Vatican.... same deal can't get in until Paddy says to the Monseigneur
tell him Paddy's outside wanting to finish that discussion about divorce.
Monseigneur comes back and tells them.. we only got room for one so You'll have to wait out here for Paddy...

Well , how will I know Paddy actually saw the Pope?

Oh that's easy , almost time for the Pope to appear on the balcony, Paddy can go out with him and YOU can go down and watch from the square.

So the Secretary runs downstairs only to find the square full of people and can only find a spot way in the back.

Can't see diddly squat and the guy next to him has binoculars.
Can I borrow them?
No way ... spent my life's saving to come see the Pope.
Well , can you describe what ya see?

OK OK hold ya horses... The tourist is obviously getting excited. sweaty and breathing fast..
OMG can't believe I finally got to see him , that's so cool , unbelievable!!
What do you see ! what do you see......

Well.. there's some guy with a funny hat and stick.... But i can't believe Paddy from Parramatta is there!

[Cyote61]

Originally Posted by Aussieguy

So Paddy from Parramatta ( western suburb of Sydney) won the lottery.
He decide to join the Exclusive Tatersalls Club in Sydney..
wearing his best shorts, thongs and blue singlet, Paddy said to the club Secretary I wanna join up!

Secretary reply with a smirk....... Will cost ya $10,000
Paddy pulls out a huge wad of cash....

Secretary thought for a minute then smiled and said... You also need 3 references from Famous peoples.

Paddy pipes up ...... Ohhh how about President Eisenhower , The Queen and the Pope.

"You're pulling me leg , no way you know them." said the Secretary
"Common then....Well we'll just have to go see them", snapped back Paddy

First off, to the White house, The Secretary tried his best to get in but was told it takes a year to grant an appointment.

Paddy then told the guard... Hey .. tell Ike Paddy's looking fer him , concerning a certain Jeep that went missing during the war.
10 minutes later they are sitting in the Oval Office sipping coffee

Next ... Buckingham Palace.
Same thing Secretary can't get in...
Paddy tells the usher tell the Queen it's Paddy, who taught her about fixing them Ambulances.
10 Minutes later .... they are petting the corgis and Paddy is pouring the tea!


Then off to the Vatican.... same deal can't get in until Paddy says to the Monseigneur
tell him Paddy's outside wanting to finish that discussion about divorce.
Monseigneur comes back and tells them.. we only got room for one so You'll have to wait out here for Paddy...

Well , how will I know Paddy actually saw the Pope?

Oh that's easy , almost time for the Pope to appear on the balcony, Paddy can go out with him and YOU can go down and watch from the square.

So the Secretary runs downstairs only to find the square full of people and can only find a spot way in the back.

Can't see diddly squat and the guy next to him has binoculars.
Can I borrow them?
No way ... spent my life's saving to come see the Pope.
Well , can you describe what ya see?

OK OK hold ya horses... The tourist is obviously getting excited. sweaty and breathing fast..
OMG can't believe I finally got to see him , that's so cool , unbelievable!!
What do you see ! what do you see......

Well.. there's some guy with a funny hat and stick.... But i can't believe Paddy from Parramatta is there!

Is there and ending here? What kind of a boat did he have to have? Is the membership 10K a year? Are the cocktails discounted for regular members or only senior members? Do you get a Tee shirt for the 10K? Inquiring minds just have to know.

[HangDiver]

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[wildcatter]

Originally Posted by NXR

Thank you for resurrecting that bad memory from elementary school. My parents used to give my older sister a quarter for each C on her report card but I only got a nickel for each A.

You'd think after 60 years I'd get past that but no. I'm traumatized for life.

If I had nickel for everytime I heard that.

[wildcatter]

Originally Posted by wmtire

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy Bruce".

One day Bruce's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with the incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform, in Newcastle. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend, Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner! Don't tell me you thought stupid Bruce became a heart surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you, sweetcheeks.

Funny story, years ago i worked for Credit card processing company as a network engineer, we kept getting a call from one particular customer (bank) that there file transfer was kept failing, the files transfered over night, looking into it we seen the router at the customer site would reboot around the same time every night, the bank owner went to the bank that night, come to find out the cleaning lady was unplugging the router to plug in the vacuum, funniest thing I ever heard. The bad part was it cost the bank around 1500 dollars for additional file transfers and processing fees since the files had to be pushed thru. True story

[HangDiver]

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[JWood422]

[HangDiver]

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[Bama Rambler]

That's a potential WMTire customer, and I bet they won't have any money!

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by Bama Rambler

That's a potential WMTire customer, and I bet they won't have any money!

The only one that didn't have money today was the guy who stole my air inflator/gauge. I'll type this up tonight as it is rather long.

He may not remember but he told me where he lived. I may cruise by on my way home.

[wmtire]

Scientists have estimated the brain has the capacity to store 4.7 billion books.
Just not the one about my missing keys.

[Cyote61]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Scientists have estimated the brain has the capacity to store 4.7 billion books.
Just not the one about my missing keys.

Hey man, your keys are in Florida. You gotta cross a long bridge to get there. Problem solved, your welcome.

[SailorSam20500]

[wmtire]

Somebody wrote, "procrastinating moron!" on the side of my house. When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

[SailorSam20500]

[wmtire]

Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn't, it used the sidewalk