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Old 12-01-2022, 01:34 PM   #3481
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My wife said, "For Christmas take $200 and buy me a Nativity set and if there's anything left over buy yourself some fishing gear."
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Old 12-01-2022, 01:40 PM   #3482
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My wife said, "For Christmas take $200 and buy me a Nativity set and if there's anything left over buy yourself some fishing gear."
Is that a way of saying that you are now needing an invite for Christmas dinner somewhere?
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Old 12-01-2022, 09:02 PM   #3483
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Is that a way of saying that you are now needing an invite for Christmas dinner somewhere?
More likely he needs somewhere warm and dry to sleep!
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Old 12-01-2022, 09:09 PM   #3484
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More likely he needs somewhere warm and dry to sleep!
......
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Old 12-01-2022, 09:31 PM   #3485
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......
Any suggestions for an upgrade on the blanket this guy's using??
Temperature won't be above freezing until late March - early April.
And I know my inside voice will likely escape . . .
Don't want the DW winning all the conversations this winter . . .

Campfire needed . . .
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Old 12-02-2022, 11:14 AM   #3486
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Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

"Well“, says the boss, "if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

The cannibals swear that they are innocent.

The boss believes them and leaves the office and they all turn to their leader.

“You idiots!”, he screams. “Who ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

“You fool!”, shouts the leader. "For weeks we've been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers and human resource staff, and then you go and eat someone they'll actually miss!"
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Old 12-02-2022, 01:34 PM   #3487
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
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Old 12-02-2022, 01:35 PM   #3488
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
S.E. Mich. Flagstaff 26FKWS / 2022 F-150 3.5 EcoBoost SCrew Propride
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Old 12-02-2022, 02:19 PM   #3489
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Video games existed in 1985. And that station wagon is definitely older than that.
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Old 12-02-2022, 02:58 PM   #3490
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Skitching

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When we did that in Northern Illinois in the 1960s, we called it "skitching": ski-hitching.
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Old 12-04-2022, 10:01 PM   #3491
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurantís owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "Iíll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiterís zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I donít know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Old 12-05-2022, 12:48 PM   #3492
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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
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Old 12-05-2022, 12:50 PM   #3493
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I rode an elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
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Old 12-05-2022, 12:54 PM   #3494
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If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

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I'm trying to write a self-help book but I'm struggling. Any advice?
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Old 12-05-2022, 01:12 PM   #3495
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Quote:
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurantís owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "Iíll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiterís zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I donít know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Iím surprised he didnít answer about the string ď if youíre mine, youíll pull the twineĒ
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Old 12-05-2022, 07:17 PM   #3496
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cute joke(s)

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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies. . . . "

One of my best friends just told me this one yesterday. But he included a punch line: The young may have youth and adrenaline, but when you get older you appreciate the comforts of life.
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Old 12-06-2022, 10:34 AM   #3497
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I visited my friend at his new house this evening,

"Make yourself at home" He said.

So I threw him out...I hate visitors.
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I'm trying to write a self-help book but I'm struggling. Any advice?
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Old 12-07-2022, 07:40 AM   #3498
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Merry christmas...Click image for larger version

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Old 12-07-2022, 10:25 AM   #3499
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Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

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I'm trying to write a self-help book but I'm struggling. Any advice?
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Old 12-07-2022, 11:55 AM   #3500
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List of 10 worst dog breeds

1. There

2. Are

3. No

4. Bad

5. Dog

6. Breeds

7. Only

8. Bad

9. Owners

10. Chihuahuas
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