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Old 01-14-2016, 10:54 AM   #21
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I've just upgraded to Directv HD.

I'm impressed.

The phrase 'No satellite signal' has never been so colorful and clear.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 01-14-2016, 11:03 AM   #22
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I've got a smartphone, with a dumb battery.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 01-21-2016, 09:23 PM   #23
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First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it..

It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:20 PM   #24
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A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners.

Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:50 PM   #25
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A man decides to join a monastery where they're only allowed to say 2 words every 10 yrs.

10 yrs go by and they have a big dinner and the man stands up and says, "Bed hard" and sits down.

Another 10 yrs go by, they have a big dinner, the man stands up and says, "Food bad" and sits down.

Another 10 yrs go by, they have a big dinner, the man stands up and says, "I quit," and sits down.

The head monk stands up and says, "Well, I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is complain!"
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Old 04-07-2016, 04:17 PM   #26
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I met a genie today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series again."

"You're a sly devil!" said the genie.
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Old 04-08-2016, 09:57 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I met a genie today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series again."

"You're a sly devil!" said the genie.
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Old 04-09-2016, 08:50 AM   #28
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And I thought it was the Goat All This Time
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Old 04-30-2016, 09:27 AM   #29
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I can't help being lazy.

It walks in the family.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 05-15-2016, 11:07 AM   #30
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I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 26 this year.

Actually, it's turning 42.

It just looks 26.
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Old 06-01-2016, 12:16 PM   #31
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Purple is my favorite color. I like it more than blue and red combined.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 06-13-2016, 10:24 AM   #32
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You know when you're grilling a steak and your mouth waters because you can't wait to eat it............ I wonder if vegans get the same feeling when they mow their lawns?
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Old 06-13-2016, 10:38 AM   #33
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How can you identify someone who's a dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He's the one staying up all night wondering if there's a dog
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Old 06-18-2016, 05:13 PM   #34
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I'd tell you a great time travel joke....

but you didn't like it.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 06-20-2016, 06:50 PM   #35
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You can never lose a homing pigeon Ė if your homing pigeon doesnít come back what youíve lost is a pigeon.
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Old 06-20-2016, 07:00 PM   #36
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Donít you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 06-20-2016, 07:01 PM   #37
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Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 06-20-2016, 07:01 PM   #38
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To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet Ė you can hide, but you canít run.
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Old 06-20-2016, 07:03 PM   #39
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I had a neck brace fitted years ago and Iíve never looked back since.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 07-10-2016, 07:04 PM   #40
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My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.

I was born ready.
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