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Old 09-25-2016, 06:05 PM   #61
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Do fish that get thrown back to sea, talk about alien abductions and then all the fish stop talking to it?
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 09-25-2016, 06:10 PM   #62
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Every time you exercise, you're gambling that you'll injure yourself just enough to grow back stronger.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 09-25-2016, 06:11 PM   #63
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I wonder if dogs and cats know they were kidnapped from their parents
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 09-25-2016, 06:15 PM   #64
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Rolled up newspapers are a spiders greatest fear. It's kinda ironic that Peter Parker works at the Daily Bugle.
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Old 09-25-2016, 06:17 PM   #65
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Most items we purchase with our drivers license impair our ability to drive.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 09-25-2016, 07:01 PM   #66
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I know more about the fictional planets Tatooine, Dagobah, Alderaan and Hoth than I do about the real planets Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury and Saturn.
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Old 10-03-2016, 09:28 AM   #67
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My new book I wrote on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 10-05-2016, 09:09 PM   #68
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A man from the ASPCA knocked on my door this morning.

He said, "We've had a complaint that you've been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of 30 pounds."

I said, "It's not a cat."

"Oh" he replied, "There must be a mistake then, is it a dog?"

I said, "No, it's a hamster."
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Old 10-06-2016, 12:46 AM   #69
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns does the rest of the team have to drown also?
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Old 10-10-2016, 08:54 AM   #70
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The government says that doing drugs causes memory loss

That's nonsense, next thing they will say is doing drugs causes memory loss
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 10-10-2016, 09:02 AM   #71
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Thank you, student loan, for getting me through college



I don't think I can ever repay you.
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Old 10-26-2016, 01:51 AM   #72
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A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
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Old 10-27-2016, 09:56 AM   #73
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Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it all around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.
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Old 10-28-2016, 03:44 AM   #74
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An oldie but goodie. I haven't seen this joke in awhile:

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my foot. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
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Old 10-29-2016, 09:49 AM   #75
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I've read 'Plumbing for idiots' twice and I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing. I guess it's going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
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Old 10-29-2016, 11:06 AM   #76
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A man was walking on the beach when he came across a porpoise. The porpoise told the man that if he would go into the jungle, he would find a sea gull. If he brought the sea gull back to the porpoise, the porpoise would become immortal and live forever.

So the man follows a path into the jungle. He soon comes upon a lion sleeping in the path. The man very carefully steps over the sleeping lion and continues on to a clearing, where he finds the sea gull.

The man takes the sea gull and starts back to the beach. When he gets to the sleeping lion, he very carefully steps over it. As soon as he does, 3 FBI men come of the jungle and arrest him.

They charged him with “transporting a gull across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!”
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Old 11-01-2016, 08:32 AM   #77
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A gentleman is the man who can play the accordion, but doesn't.
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Old 11-01-2016, 09:13 AM   #78
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Ever wondered what the electric eel was called before electricity was invented ?
This is my favorite!
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Old 11-03-2016, 08:30 AM   #79
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Getting paid to sleep is my dream job
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Old 11-03-2016, 02:22 PM   #80
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Want to know how to make $$$$ fast?




























1) Hold down the shift key
2) Press the "4" button 4 times quickly.
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