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Old 07-30-2019, 04:22 PM   #1001
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If you sat on your voodoo doll, you shouldn’t be able get back up again.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 07-30-2019, 04:24 PM   #1002
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Equal rights? It’s considered a compliment when a girl throws a piece of her undergarments at a performing artist but if I tossed my freshly worn boxers at Beyoncé, I’d get arrested.
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Old 07-30-2019, 04:25 PM   #1003
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The combination of innumerable choices you’ve made in your life have brought you to this exact point, reading this exact sentence.
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Old 07-30-2019, 04:26 PM   #1004
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Cinderella must have had some seriously deformed feet if her shoe wouldn’t fit anybody else in town.
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Old 07-30-2019, 04:28 PM   #1005
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Even though most cars have electric windows these days, the phrase "roll your window up / down" seems to stay
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Old 07-30-2019, 04:31 PM   #1006
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Tire, get a job!
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Old 07-30-2019, 04:33 PM   #1007
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Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
*
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
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Old 07-30-2019, 06:10 PM   #1008
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Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
*
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.


Did you step on any oysters?
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Old 07-30-2019, 06:49 PM   #1009
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A young lady was walking in the City Park one day and she encountered an old man sitting on a bench just sobbing.

Concerned she stopped and asked if he was alright. He responded he was fine.

She then asked why he was so sad and crying. He proceeded to tell her how he had married a wonderful young woman. Every day they enjoyed each others presence from waking and making love, to the wonderful meals she prepared to when they retired for the night and made love again. He said he'd never been so happy in all his life and felt so lived.

Hearing this she was puzzled and said it sounded like he had a life that every man his age dreamed about so why was he so sad.

He responded -------"I can't remember where I live".
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Old 08-01-2019, 11:46 PM   #1010
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Redneck at the doctor: “Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”
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Old 08-02-2019, 08:59 AM   #1011
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The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… So is farming a big thing in the underworld?
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:25 AM   #1012
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I lost some weight last month. But now it found me again
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:33 AM   #1013
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*I love my rock-hard, honed six-pack so much I protect it with a good layer of lard.
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Old 08-02-2019, 10:17 AM   #1014
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You don’t get smarter when you become older. There just aren’t as many stupid things left that you haven’t done yet.
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I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but every time I catch up, they refinance.
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Old 08-02-2019, 12:42 PM   #1015
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Old 08-02-2019, 12:55 PM   #1016
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Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids
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Old 08-02-2019, 12:56 PM   #1017
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When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:

Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?" A waitress: "Is it because the Sun makes them perspire?"

Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?" An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"

Jay Leno: What are magnets?" A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"

Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?" A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."
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Old 08-02-2019, 12:58 PM   #1018
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Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
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Old 08-02-2019, 01:01 PM   #1019
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An Unsolved Question in Biophysics: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
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Old 08-02-2019, 03:44 PM   #1020
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A large percentage of the US population suffer from Hemorrhoids.

The rest are perfect a-holes.
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