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Old 12-02-2016, 09:12 PM   #141
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The labels on some products are downright ridiculous. I bought some cologne that read: "Avoid contact with eyes"

TOO LATE!! I had already read ....
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Old 12-02-2016, 09:19 PM   #142
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That thud you just heard was my forehead on the desk.
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Old 12-02-2016, 10:14 PM   #143
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Choo Choo

Got to know!! Do Train engines have high beams in their single headlight?
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Old 12-02-2016, 10:53 PM   #144
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Got to know!! Do Train engines have high beams in their single headlight?
Hate to break it to you, but some engines have two headlights (hi/lo). Some also have what are known as Mars lights or Gyralites, that rotate in a figure 8 pattern down the track (to get drivers and pedestrians attention). They can also dim their lights.

(Sorry to deflate your joke. )
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Old 12-02-2016, 11:12 PM   #145
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choo choo

Ok, I'd stand corrected if my knee didn't hurt so much. I never know that. Thanks for the info.
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Old 12-03-2016, 06:17 PM   #146
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I taught my sheepdog how to count. Now all he does is sleep.
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Old 12-04-2016, 05:15 AM   #147
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Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"
He was actually checking his pee-mails.
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Old 12-04-2016, 05:17 AM   #148
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Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.
And, 5 out of every 3 people are dyslexic.
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Old 12-04-2016, 05:27 AM   #149
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Statistics

Remember, 46% of all statistics are made up on the spot 62% of the time.
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Old 12-05-2016, 05:58 PM   #150
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, why the long face?"
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Old 12-05-2016, 06:10 PM   #151
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Mrs. Kay wants to teach her class a lesson about the ill effects of alcohol.
Standing in front of the class, she places two glasses on her desk.
She fills one glass with alcohol and she fills the other glass with water.
She then puts a worm in each glass.
The worm in the glass with the water is squirming and wiggling around wildly.
The worm in the glass with the alcohol is floating at the top, dead.
Mrs.Kay then asks the class: "Now class... what have you learned from this experiment?"
Little Johnny in the back of the class raises his hand and says: "That if I drink alcohol, I won't have worms."
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Old 12-05-2016, 06:40 PM   #152
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A 3rd grade teacher took her class to a farm....after they returned she asked what sounds they heard.
One kid said....bahhhhhh
One kid said.....moooooo
One kid said... get off that €%}.¥ tractor!!!


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Old 12-06-2016, 04:03 AM   #153
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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That jolly fat person with the beard gets all the credit for it! Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:05 PM   #154
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The only thing left on my bucket list is to climb Mount Everest before I die.

Or, more probably, while I die.
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Old 12-07-2016, 07:36 AM   #155
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, why the long face?"
I thought it was John Kerry that walked into the bar in that joke.
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Old 12-08-2016, 09:07 AM   #156
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The furniture store keeps calling me back. But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
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Old 12-08-2016, 02:06 PM   #157
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I called the ASPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a cat and four kittens."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Old 12-08-2016, 02:45 PM   #158
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I called the ASPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a cat and four kittens."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Love this one...


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Old 12-15-2016, 11:00 AM   #159
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Pandas are living proof that you can be fat by just eating salad.
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Old 12-24-2016, 04:06 PM   #160
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Jonah and the whale

A little girl was asking her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for whales to swallow humans because even though it was a very large mammal it's throat was very small. The little girl responded saying that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked “What if Jonah went to hell?”. The little girl replied “Then you can ask him”.
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