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Old 11-07-2018, 03:59 AM   #641
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*“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
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Old 11-10-2018, 03:08 AM   #642
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I'll be cremated when I die - I'm far too lazy to take part in any zombie apocalypse
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Old 11-14-2018, 10:31 AM   #643
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To all the mathematicians who came up with the concept of zero..

Thanks for nothing.
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Old 11-14-2018, 11:41 AM   #644
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The doctor asked my elderly dad what he did first thing in the morning.

He said, "I stretch out my arms ...and if they don't touch wood with a satin lining, I get up."
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Old 11-14-2018, 11:42 AM   #645
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My wife left me a note:

‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted.’

Well I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. And I can’t help having big toes.
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Old 11-15-2018, 04:25 AM   #646
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I hate it when people can't let go of the past...

...Debt collectors are the worst.
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Old 11-15-2018, 07:16 AM   #647
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At the end of the weekly office meeting one of the managers announced to the group that he had lost his wallet with $1000, and was offering a reward of $100 to the person who finds it.

After he had left the room I offered $200...
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Old 11-15-2018, 12:56 PM   #648
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Health nuts are going to feel really stupid one day, laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
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Old 11-20-2018, 03:36 PM   #649
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When I die I want to be buried with some bronze arrowheads and my car keys, just to mess with archaeologists years from now.
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Old 11-22-2018, 02:32 PM   #650
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I stayed at the YMCA last week. It was ok like, but nothing to make a big song and dance about.
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Old 11-22-2018, 02:33 PM   #651
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NEWSFLASH!

The origami bank of Japan has just folded."
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Old 11-22-2018, 02:36 PM   #652
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I told all my family I had won the lottery and would take them all out for a drink,

"I don't drink, can we go to Starbucks, " said my daughter-in-law. "

"Afraid not, " I replied, "I only won two million. "
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Old 11-22-2018, 07:33 PM   #653
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Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for Pete’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
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Old 11-22-2018, 07:35 PM   #654
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Just got this message from a friend of mine from another country:

I'd just like to wish any Americans on here a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you're having a great day!


...now that's out of the way, can one of you tell me why you celebrate THanksGiving?

What exactly is Tom Hanks Giving anyway? and who is he giving it to?

& why is it such a big deal, did he used to be a right stingy miser
or something?
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Old 11-23-2018, 05:16 PM   #655
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I finally found the true meaning of Xmas today.

It's for people who can't spell Christmas
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Old 11-25-2018, 01:11 PM   #656
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Christmas is coming.

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Old 11-26-2018, 09:45 AM   #657
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
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Old 11-26-2018, 01:36 PM   #658
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iwritecode View Post
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
Cute, off in emails
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:55 PM   #659
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I have a superpower.

I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.

It takes a while though.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:56 PM   #660
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I once went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.



Man, that guy can drink!
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