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Old 08-12-2015, 05:44 PM   #1
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cute joke(s)

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan...
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Old 08-12-2015, 05:58 PM   #2
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Ok, Ok, Now I'm ready for my lobotomy. Might as do it while I am smiling...

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Old 08-18-2015, 12:57 PM   #3
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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
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Old 08-18-2015, 01:00 PM   #4
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"Violence is not the answer" we've all heard that.

But what if the question is "what is not the answer?"
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Old 08-18-2015, 01:20 PM   #5
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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
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Old 08-19-2015, 02:33 AM   #6
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I went to an imaginary restaurant the other day..... CGI Fridays
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Old 08-20-2015, 10:57 AM   #7
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"What would you like?" says the bartender.

"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."

"No," says the bartender, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"

"What's it to be?" says the bartender, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."

"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all," says the bartender. "I'm perfectly healthy."
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Old 08-20-2015, 10:59 AM   #8
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"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"

"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"

"No, but he always wanted to be."
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Old 08-29-2015, 08:09 AM   #9
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The neighbors dogs woke me up last night barking loudly.

So I threw my shoes out of the window at them and that shut them up.

It was a pair of hush puppies.
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Old 09-04-2015, 08:17 AM   #10
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I've seen a bear open a door, climb a ladder, play a horn and ride a bike but I still don't believe it can make porridge.
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Old 09-04-2015, 03:00 PM   #11
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So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."

"I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
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Old 09-04-2015, 03:10 PM   #12
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Some people like to argue that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realize that just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe. Want to know what else is natural?

Bears.
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Old 09-05-2015, 09:19 AM   #13
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They say that one in every seven friends has OCD.

It's not me.

It's either Albert, Brian, Craig, Dave, Edward or Fred.
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Old 12-07-2015, 09:31 PM   #14
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I woke up in hospital after a bad car accident. "What's the last thing you remember?" asked a doctor, shining a light in my eyes.

"You asking me what the last thing I remember is," I said.
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Old 12-08-2015, 12:57 PM   #15
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Old 12-11-2015, 08:05 AM   #16
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I just laid out a 30ft x 15ft blue tarpaulin on my back lawn.

Now when my neighbors use google earth it will look like I've got a massive swimming pool.
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:00 AM   #17
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A farmer friend of mine was telling me he's managed to cross a chicken with a cow.

Sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:03 AM   #18
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They say even a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day.

Not mine, the hands are missing.
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:38 AM   #19
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How I count to ten:
1 ,2 ,3 ,4 ,5 ,6 ,7 ,8 ,9 ,10

How Bill Gates counts to ten:
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
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Old 01-14-2016, 10:43 AM   #20
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There's a special place in hull reserved for the inventor of autocorrect
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