Halloween humor

[wmtire]

I'm putting a candy vending machine in my yard this Halloween.

I've got bills to pay.

[wmtire]

The worst part of breaking up right before Halloween is having to explain to everyone at the party why I'm dressed as half a horse.

[wmtire]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[Paulie1138]

What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A handful of sheet.....

(Admins, feel free to delete if this is over the edge.....)

[lswartz]

Originally Posted by wmtire

The worst part of breaking up right before Halloween is having to explain to everyone at the party why I'm dressed as half a horse.

I hope you got the head part.

[Paulie1138]

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

There was a dog on the other side!

[Paulie1138]

And another....

[wmtire]

I remember getting spanked by my dad on Halloween when I was a kid.

He told me I could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So I did as he said.

When he came in to check on my progress, he screamed "You've ruined the table! And you've even spelled pumpkins wrong!"

[wmtire]

For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers*

[wmtire]

I remember how telling my wife a simple Halloween joke, led to a fight. All I said was:

Q: What did the goblin say to the witch?
A: I don't know you tell me!*

[Iwannacamp]

OK..most are stupid...yes.. I pasted


Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties ?
Because there is lots of school spirit !

What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party ?
The cat ate her !

What do witches eat at Halloween ?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie !

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head.
"Are you a ghost ?" asked his friends
"No, I'm an unmade bed !"
Another boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head.
"Are you an unmade bed ?" asked his friends
"No, I'm an undercover agent !"

What did the really ugly man do for a living ?
He posed for Halloween masks !

Why did the ghost go trick or treating on the top floor ?
He was in high spirits !

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ?
No one moved, they couldn't stir without her !

Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party ?
Because he just came to pick up his sister !

Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party ?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken !

[Iwannacamp]

What do you call a motor bike belonging to a witch ?
A broooooooom stick !

Was Dracula ever married ?
No, he was a bat-chelor!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with Al Capone ?
A fangster !

Why are skeletons usually so calm ?
Nothing gets under their skin !

What do vampires gamble with ?
Stake money !

What sort of group do vampires join ?
A blood group !

Why do skeletons hate winter ?
Beacuse the cold goes right through them !

What do you call an old and foolish vampire ?
A silly old sucker !

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with ?
The girl necks door !

What is red, sweet and bites people ?
A jampire !

[IsleDog]

Have a caramel apple eating contest...with a hidden caramel onion

why didnt the skeleton cross the road? He didnt have the guts!

[Iwannacamp]

I can't believe i'm even pasting these...

Spooky Jokes for Kids
On which day are ghosts most scary? Fright-day!
What do witches put in their hair? Scare spray!
What do spooks with poor eyesight wear? Spook-tacles!
What day do ghosts do their howling? On Moan-day!
Did you hear about the monster who ate his own house? He was homesick.
What do you call a hairy monster in a river? A weir-wolf!
How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck!
Where does the witch’s frog sit? On a toadstool.
What is a skeleton’s favourite instrument? A trombone.
How do ghosts go from floor to floor? By scare-case!
What noise does a witch’s breakfast cereal make? Snap, cackle and pop!
What do you call two witches who share a room? Broom mates!
What type of coffee does a vampire drink? De-coffin-ated!
What do witches race on? Vroomsticks!
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern.
Did you hear about the untidy cemetery? You wouldn’t want to be caught dead in there!
Why did the ghost go to the sales? Because they were bargain haunters!
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!
Which boats do vampires travel in? Blood vessels.
Why didn’t the skeleton jump off the roof? He didn’t have the guts.
Why did the skeleton climb a tree? Because a dog was after his bones!
Why don’t skeletons play music in church? Because they have no organs!
What do you get when you cross the Abominable Snowman and pasta? Spag-yeti!
What do ghosts turn on in summer? The scare-conditioner!
Why did the zombie decide to stay in his coffin? He felt rotten.
Why do ghosts hate rain? It dampens their spirits.
What do you call a witch that lives at the beach? A sand witch!
How do you make a witch scratch? Take away the ‘w’!
What is a spook’s favourite ride? A roller-ghoster!
What is a vampire’s favourite fruit? Necktarines!
What is a ghost’s favourite dessert? Boo-berries and I Scream!
What is a ghost’s favourite bedtime story? Little Boo Peep!
What kind of mistake does a ghost make? A boo-boo!
Why do they have a fence around the graveyard? Because everyone is dying to get in!
What did the wizard say to the twin witches? Which witch is which?
What does a ghost do when he gets in the car? Puts his sheet belt on!
Why are vampires so unpopular? Because they are pains in the neck!
Why did Dr Jekyll cross the road? To get to the other Hyde!
Who did the monster take to the Halloween dance? His ghoul friend!
How can you tell if a vampire has a cold? He starts coffin!
What bear goes around scaring other animals? Winnie the Boo!
What game do young ghosts love? Hide and shriek!
What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spook-etti.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Witches. Witches who? Witches the way home?
Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them!
What do ghosts use to wash their hair? Sham-boo!
What does a skeleton say before dinner? Bone appetit!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

[wmtire]

Tonight my wife was absolutely the center of attention as she wore a stunning "Wicked Witch" costume complete with lots of green face makeup.

My wife was having a great time, but for some reason the bride was absolutely furious.

[Paulie1138]

Here is one!

[Finster]

What do you call six witches in a jacuzzi?
A self cleaning coven.

I visited a real graveyard yesterday…
→ I logged back into Myspace.

Why did the monster go inside the bar?
For the boos.

Why did the ghost go to the bar?
To get sheet faced.

[Iwritecode]

Heard this one while passing out candy at a trunk or treat the other day:

What do you do when a zombie rolls his eyes at you?

Roll them back to him.

[onetonford]

I wear my birthday suit every Halloween.



No no it is not what you think after all it is my birthday!!!!

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by onetonford

I wear my birthday suit every Halloween.



No no it is not what you think after all it is my birthday!!!!

That is funny.[emoji3]