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Old 05-29-2015, 08:22 PM   #21
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I love women...... with maybe one exception.

Nope. Just realized that he liked himself more than her. It's an amazing feeling. Not sure of why it didn't work for them. But after stupidity chasing my ex-wife for months. Trust me when I say bye I mean it and do it.


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:29 PM   #22
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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, golf, television. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:29 PM   #23
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While making BBQ sauce which my ex saw done many times. My friend and I wrote the things we needed which included 64 oz bottles of Heinz ketchup.

She asked if she but the full bottles or the empty ones that we always put the BBQ sauce back in. Told her to look for both.

The judge asked about this in court. My lawyer said I didn't have a comment but he was a lair. I had plenty of them!!


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:34 PM   #24
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Sometimes a sandwich made in peace is PRICELESS!


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:36 PM   #25
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My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy. Pack your bags and leave."

I said, "You pack them."


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:38 PM   #26
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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, golf, television. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
You forgot the rest of the story:

THEN she poured in a can beer. Moral of the story - There's always room for beer!!
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Old 05-29-2015, 08:41 PM   #27
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My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:43 PM   #28
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You forgot the rest of the story:

THEN she poured in a can beer. Moral of the story - There's always room for beer!!
Yep, men have all the morals.

Since you mentioned beer, I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.


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Old 05-29-2015, 08:54 PM   #29
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I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"


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Old 06-05-2015, 02:59 PM   #30
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While on safari in Kenya a black mamba snake suddenly bit the wife on the leg.

We tried to apply the antidote as quickly as possible but unfortunately we were just too late.

The snake died.

------------------------------------

You're crazy!

No I'm not, YOU are!

Bull. YOU are one crazy person!

You made me that way!

No I didn't!

Yes you did!

And that's when I had to interrupt my wife looking in the mirror and tell her she was insane.

--------------------------------------

I went on a date this evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

-----------------------------

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future."

I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fantastic - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"

I'm now single.

-----------------------------

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include them getting stuck in traffic.

----------------------------

"For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you," said my wife.

"Who's Pete?" I replied.

----------------------------

A man walked into a florist's and said, "I'd like some flowers, please."

"Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?"

"I'm not sure."

"Perhaps I could help," suggested the florist, "What exactly have you done?"
------------------------------

I'm making a graph of my past relationships.

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

------------------------------

I was having a romantic candle-lit dinner with my boss's wife when I saw him walk in and sit down at a table not too far from us then start reading the newspaper.

I shifted my seat to avoid him catching me with her and I thought I was in the clear until I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Derek?" I heard his voice ask inquisitively.

"Yes, Mr. Johnson." I quivered.

"Get out of my kitchen."

------------------------------

Me and my girlfriend broke up yesterday.

I just don't know what went wrong between Tubby and me.

-----------------------------

I love the first few weeks of a new relationship...

They're romantic, fun, exciting, and she doesn't know I'm crazy yet.

-----------------------------

The wife insisted we should do something special for our anniversary, which got me thinking,

When is our Anniversary?
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Old 06-05-2015, 03:36 PM   #31
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Good stuff here.
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Old 06-05-2015, 03:56 PM   #32
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Good stuff here.
Yeah - it's good,but I still think this guy has a problem relating to women.
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:57 PM   #33
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Yeah - it's good,but I still think this guy has a problem relating to women.
Tony, are you saying you want me to stop?
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Old 06-05-2015, 05:38 PM   #34
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Tony, are you saying you want me to stop?

No not at all.
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Old 06-05-2015, 06:12 PM   #35
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You're out to lunch with your new boss. He casually mentions he'd like to live in Green Bay some day. You say, "No one but football players and hookers live in Green Bay."

He then tells you his wife is from Green Bay.

You:
a. Ask what position she plays.
b. Ask if she's still walking the streets.
c. Quietly tell him you quit.

************************************************** ******
Why do husbands usually die first?

Because they WANT TO!
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Old 06-05-2015, 06:22 PM   #36
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When Bobby was married, he took his wife with him every where he went so he didn't have to kiss her goodbye.
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Old 06-05-2015, 06:29 PM   #37
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Always thought the four words I never wanted to hear from my wife were, "I want a divorce".

Turns out it's actually, "What is your password".


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Old 06-05-2015, 06:31 PM   #38
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When Bobby was married, he took his wife with him every where he went so he didn't have to kiss her goodbye.

I took a photo of my wife, but I got her bad side.

The front.


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Old 06-05-2015, 06:38 PM   #39
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My wife asked me if I was cheating on her! I said no I can barely afford the one woman I have!
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Old 06-05-2015, 07:07 PM   #40
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A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promptly shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. Bobby, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse."
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