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Old 06-07-2015, 06:07 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
Always thought the four words I never wanted to hear from my wife were, "I want a divorce".

Turns out it's actually, "What is your password".


What's in our savings?
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Old 06-07-2015, 06:10 PM   #42
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Yeah - it's good,but I still think this guy has a problem relating to women.
I think he has the manual.
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Old 06-07-2015, 06:17 PM   #43
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OMG that was funny!
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Old 06-07-2015, 06:22 PM   #44
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I kept bumping into my wife in the kitchen while trying to make coffee.
Wife: We need a bigger kitchen.
Fool: Or a smaller wife.
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Old 06-08-2015, 03:24 PM   #45
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My wife often complains that I don't listen to her, and that I am not attentive to her knee's
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I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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Old 06-08-2015, 03:56 PM   #46
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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, golf, television. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?


Well, considering the amount of time I spend on the golf course, she should have started with sand from the trap I spend the most time in!!
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Old 06-10-2015, 08:35 AM   #47
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My biggest regret is that my mother didn't live long enough to attend my wedding.

She was the one person who might have stopped it.
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Old 06-10-2015, 08:36 AM   #48
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A new study suggests that if a man relentlessly pursues a resistant woman back from work or the bar, eventually she will warm to him.

I think it's called Stalkhome syndrome.
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Old 06-10-2015, 08:47 AM   #49
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Well, considering the amount of time I spend on the golf course, she should have started with sand from the trap I spend the most time in!!
I swore 519 times during my last game of golf.

It was a new coarse record.
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Old 06-10-2015, 10:28 PM   #50
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My wife texted me saying, "CAN YOU PICK ME UP AT WORK? X."

I texted back, "Yes, and there's no need to shout."

She replied, "Sorry, a bus was driving past."


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Old 06-13-2015, 09:30 AM   #51
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I've just joined Match.com.

Because I couldn't think of anything new, I added the same bio that I used to sell my car on Autotrader ...

White - Average condition - Reliable - Cheap - Some body damage.
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:33 AM   #52
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My wife's threatening to leave me even though I've just spent a year, and all our savings, building us a new family home.

Oh well, she knows where the front door is.

Behind the chimney.
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:40 AM   #53
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I'm convinced my wife's trying to poison me by putting laundry detergent in my food.


I've just farted and cleaned my own boxers.
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:26 PM   #54
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When it finally came to our wedding day, my fiancée couldn't go through with it.


I didn't show up.


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Old 06-16-2015, 08:31 AM   #55
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"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."

My dog's full of useful information like that.
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Old 06-16-2015, 03:25 PM   #56
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Old 06-16-2015, 03:30 PM   #57
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Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives wives wild?
A: A $100 bill.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
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Old 06-16-2015, 08:46 PM   #58
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The Four Mistakes Men Make:

1. Doing something
2. NOT doing something
3. Thinking of doing something
4. NOT thinking of doing something
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Old 06-17-2015, 06:35 PM   #59
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I ran alongside the train this morning, tearfully waving as it left the platform.

Just so everyone thought that I actually have a girlfriend.


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Old 06-18-2015, 08:59 AM   #60
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A guy stops mid swing on a Tee off, Removes his hat and bows his head as a funeral procession drives by....and then hit a great drive straight to the green. Another guy says "that was an awesome sign of respect"
The man replies" Its the least I could do after 35 years of marriage"
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