More relationship humor

[wmtire]

I convinced my wife to work for the CIA.

So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.

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Just picked the mutt up from the dog groomer's.

Or hairdressers, as she calls it.

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After a furious fight my wife said,

"I think we should sit down and write all our faults on a piece of paper. "

So I sat down and wrote, I drink too much, watch too much sport, work too many hours, and don't do enough housework.

"There's mine, " I said as I gave my list to the wife, "we'll compare them in about a week, y'know, when you have finished yours. "

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My wife is going to have a go at me later for always jumping to conclusions.

I just know she is.

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As my wife opened her birthday present, she just stared at me and said:

"A pen? A dang pen? It's like you don't know me at all."

"Alright, Claire," I said. "Calm down."

She said, "My name's Helen, you jerk."

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My wife gazed at the travel magazine. "I'd love a surfboard," she said. "It's something I've never tried."

"Here you go," I replied, reaching under the stairs. "This one's got legs on it, you can start with that pile of shirts."

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My wife kissed me when I told her I couldn't possibly love her any more.

She's definitely a "cup half full" person.

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Some people can be so ignorant. Today, somebody pointed to my wife's stomach and asked her when the baby was due.

Seeing how upset she was, I lit into them.

"You Idiot!" I shouted. "She's fat, not pregnant! How the h*ll do you think she could be pregnant at her age?"

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I've been telling my wife she's a terrible driver for years.

Now the police, the judge, and the victims families all agree with me.

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I got in at 3am last night. My wife was up waiting for me

If looks could kill, I'd be a dead man.

She wasn't angry, she's just that ugly.

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My wife says she's going to leave me if I don't get help for my alcoholism.

I'll drink to that!

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I've decided to write an epic Sci-Fi trilogy based on an alien invasion of the Earth.

Well, it's something to do while my wife is upstairs getting ready to go out to dinner.

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Some friends and I were in the living room when my wife got in from work.

"Speak of the devil," I said as she came in.

"Ya were talking about me?" she said.

"Yes, love."

"What about?"

"I was telling them you're the devil," I replied.

[wmtire]

I was trying to make excuses about where I was 'til 5am.

"Ah," said my wife. "You've just shot yourself in the foot!"

A bit extreme, I know, but I couldn't think of any other way to get out of the conversation.

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The wife is a lot like Twitter.

She is basically having a conversation with herself hoping that someone else will join in.

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Soldier 1 :- What made you go into the army?
Soldier 2 :- I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?
Soldier 1 :- Well, I had a wife and loved peace.

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My wife complains that I don't take an interest in our children.

That's the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school. Or college. Or something.

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"I wonder what my mother will get on her gravestone when she passes," my wife commented.

I said, "Probably my urine."

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I think my hearing is going. Earlier, I was sure my wife asked me to burn some ten dollar bills whilst watching paint dry.

Turns out she actually said "Will you take me to see 50 Shades of Grey"

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You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.

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[jk510]

You're a single man, right?

[B47]

Originally Posted by jk510

You're a single man, right?

X2 - with a lot of spare time.

But he does post some good ones.

[DDC]

No comment. Too afraid.

[mike2wheels]

Hilarious! Thanks.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by jk510

You're a single man, right?

Uhh, divorced. What are you insinuating?

[VinceU]

No

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by VinceU

No

Yep, true story.

Look, I may need to clarify somewhat. Just cause I tell jokes like this doesn't mean I'm upset because I'm divorced.


I'm upset because I'm not a widower.

[B47]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Yep, true story.

Look, I may need to clarify somewhat. Just cause I tell jokes like this doesn't mean I'm upset because I'm divorced.


I'm upset because I'm not a widower.

Whoa - that kind of talk could get you in trouble some day.

[OldCoot]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Yep, true story.

Look, I may need to clarify somewhat. Just cause I tell jokes like this doesn't mean I'm upset because I'm divorced. I'm upset because I'm not a widower.

I would imagine the feeling is mutual.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by OldCoot

I would imagine the feeling is mutual.

No need to imagine.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by B47

Whoa - that kind of talk could get you in trouble some day.

My wife left me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.

I said: May divorce be with you.

[B47]

Originally Posted by wmtire

My wife left me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.

I said: May divorce be with you.

I think you have drunk too much coffee today.

Or as I said earlier - you have too much spare time on your hands today. The shop must be closed today.

[rana]

Originally Posted by wmtire

I'm upset because I'm not a widower.

Shniiiikkkiiieees.. Dude!! You just made me buck snort a sip of Bushmills black label!!! Suuutinnnngggg!!

That there is funny right there... :roflb lack:

[wmtire]

I phoned the wife from work.

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.

"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

[B47]

Originally Posted by wmtire

I phoned the wife from work.

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.

"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

You don't like women - do you?

[themounties]

"How about now ...?"
That's a good one I'll have to try and remember that one.

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by B47

You don't like women - do you?

I love women...... with maybe one exception.

[rapiniii]

Death wish at work.