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Old 06-04-2019, 09:09 PM   #1
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Mother-in-law

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.

So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance." Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:12 PM   #2
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A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. "My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:13 PM   #3
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:15 PM   #4
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“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:46 PM   #5
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LMAO !!!
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Old 06-05-2019, 08:27 AM   #6
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My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My FIL replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a MIL?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish!

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

I picked my MIL up at the airport last night. Yeah, those airport lounges are so dark!
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Old 06-05-2019, 08:38 AM   #7
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Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your MIL had a heart attack.
SIL/DIL: That's impossible!
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a heart!

My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

Home Shopping Club: MIL SURVIVAL KIT - Items for sale include a new lock and key for your front door, duct tape, caller ID boxes, and ear plugs.
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Old 06-05-2019, 08:48 AM   #8
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Overheard in a restaurant:

SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.

HE: Are you describing the wine or your mother?


I never forget a face,
But in my MIL's case I'm willing to make an exception.

I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

The Argument:

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws


Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?

A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, your MIL doesn't know the difference.

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?

A: Just one ... mine!

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None ... she always gets the son-in-law to do it.

Q: What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?

A: The vulture waits till you are dead before it eats your heart out.


Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother-in-law."


"It was really cold outside today."
"HOW COLD WAS IT?"
"It was colder than a mother-in-law's kiss!"
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Old 06-05-2019, 08:51 AM   #9
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Just for clarification.... Unfortunately I have been married 3 times(on third) and I have been very Blessed to have had three good MILs. No kidding.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:14 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iwannacamp View Post
Just for clarification.... Unfortunately I have been married 3 times(on third) and I have been very Blessed to have had three good MILs. No kidding.
I understand. I have two myself. My high school/college girlfriend, who I was very briefly married to, and am still on best friend terms with...has a mother who takes me to lunch (or will bring it by the shop) and still considers me family.

My last wife......let's just say we are divorced because she IS like her mother...and leave it at that.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:21 AM   #11
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I'm probably within 5 years of finding myself single again. I'm divorced from wife #1 and wife #2 is terminally ill. Both my MILs were marginally ok. I don't think I will ever get MIL #3.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:45 AM   #12
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I feel blessed that I had a wonderful MIL for 34 years. She went on every vacation we ever took and every rest stop on the road was a blessing, as I could stop laughing for 10 minutes. She'd make a 6 hr road trip feel like an hour with all the conversations we'd have. R.I.P. MIL.
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Old 06-07-2019, 02:36 PM   #13
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MIL #1 was a control freak who ruined all 3 daughters' lives. All except 1 daughter are now deceased, including FIL #1 (a wonderful guy that taught me a lot).

MIL #2 was also a mess, and messed with her 2 daughters minds. Which is why I insisted we live at least 6 hours drive away - we ended up in Colorado and she was in Virginia. She got Alzheimer's (a really nasty disease), lived with us for 6 months until we couldn't take care of her anymore. Put her in a nearby home. After 9 months, she fell and broke her hip while both daughters were on a camping trip in Utah with no cell service. Quit eating after the surgery and passed 6 weeks later.

I've been warned there will never be a MIL #3. :-)
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Old 06-07-2019, 04:04 PM   #14
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I understand. I have two myself. My high school/college girlfriend, who I was very briefly married to, and am still on best friend terms with...has a mother who takes me to lunch (or will bring it by the shop) and still considers me family.

My last wife......let's just say we are divorced because she IS like her mother...and leave it at that.


I may have said this before...

I still work with EX no.2 and EX mil(family business). We all get along okay(mostly because I bite my lip with the EX). EX mil is as nice of a person that I know and her office is behind my desk...the EX works 10 ft away.

What does this tell you? Besides the lip biting? I did nothing wrong.
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