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Old 12-21-2010, 03:15 PM   #1
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The Monkey & The Cue Ball

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.

Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did he do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Old 12-21-2010, 03:31 PM   #2
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Romance Novel for 2011

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer.

A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."
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Old 12-21-2010, 03:44 PM   #3
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Both good ones, but herk, that one is awesome. Sharing with everyone!

Joe
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:28 PM   #4
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Encore

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:36 PM   #5
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OK here goes

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:03 PM   #6
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So far all is good but this is the beginning of no camping for the winter for some of us, so what is this thread going to be like by the time camping season starts?.........
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:49 PM   #7
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Well we should have a good supply of campfire jokes.
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:45 AM   #8
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!"
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:55 AM   #9
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Man I am getting OLd. First time I heard that one I laughed so hard I kicked the slats out of my cradle .
But I still like it.
Thanks for putting a smile on my day
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:07 AM   #10
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A string walks into a bar and asks the bar keeper for a drink, the bar keeper says “ I am sorry but we don’t serve strings here”. Frustrated the string leaves the bar and once he gets outside he goes into the alley. He then ties himself into a knot and rolls around the ground and drags himself up the alley. He then goes back to the bar and asks the bar keeper for a drink, the bar keeper says “hey…aren’t you the string that was just in here” the strings says “ no, I’m afraid (frayed) not (knot)”


I know.. they just keep getting worse


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Old 12-22-2010, 08:09 AM   #11
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Man, y'all are killing me here. You are keeping me busy copying and pasting to my email so I can forward these on.
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Old 12-22-2010, 11:38 AM   #12
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OK, one more

I think this is good advice for finding inner peace, especially in this busy time...

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Valium prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:58 PM   #13
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I received this email from my son;

PONDERISMS
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3. Life is sexually transmitted.
4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
13. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:00 PM   #14
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This thread is headed for the Black Tank

Now that is just tasteless.

There are plenty of really funny jokes that do not make you laugh at someone else's expense. Life itself provides some of the most hilarious material going and RV'ers drink life in huge gulps. If no one minds I would like to take the handicapped and ethnic attempts at humor off this thread.

Too many of my friends have been seriously injured in this war for me not to take offense. I gave it 24 hours to see if I cooled down, but I find I have not. So, at the the expense of the posters being offended I thought I should explain my reason for deleting those posts.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to us all.
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