The Priest and the Smuggler

[Herk7769]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Timex]

WELCOME BACK HERK!!! When is your show and how many each night?

[Herk7769]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.

[F and E Damp]

In the UK,puns or playing with words, are a big element in humor. I came across this one the other day. I think it was originally a "Two Ronnies" pseudo news item.

The news announcer says "We have an Interpol BOLO to announce. A BOLO is a notice to "be on the lookout". He then reads the following bulletin:

Israreli authorities have requested, through Interpol, that we broadcast this message.

An English citizen who has been living in Israel for a few years is wanted for questioning with regard to looting incidents during recent riots in the Israeli port city of Haifa.

The person in question is known as Joseph Rabinowitz, 25 years old, about 6' 1" tall with sandy hair, thinning on top. He was born and raised in the London borough of Tooting and lived there until emigrating to israel four years ago.

Joseph was well known in Tooting. He was a musical prodigy with remarkable skll as a flute player. At 14, he joined the local symphony orchestra and was given the role of Principal Flute at the age of 17.

His family was a little notorious before his birth. His father, during a business trip to Spain met, fell in love with and had a torrid two week affair with a nun from the Sisters of Mercy convent in Barcelona. Shortly after this episode the sister announced she was pregnant. She was expelled from the order, but Joe's father brought her to England, married her and settled down to a conventional English life. Joe was a result of that marraige.

Young Joe quickly tired of life in Tooting and decided to investigate his Jewish heritage. He emigrated to Israel just after his 21st birthday. Once in Israel, he beame quite radical and his political views made it difficult for him to get a good job. He ended up as a part time agricultural laborer, driving a tractor and plough for a kibbutz not far from the Israeli port of Haifa.

Video records suggest that he was involved in the looting of sevaral commercial businesses during recent riots in Haifa.

The public is asked to look out for a Haifa-looting, Tooting, fluting, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time ploughboy Joe.

[Coops1]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh*ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides