Autocorrect caused my divorce

[wmtire]

The autocorrect on my cellphone is what caused my divorce.

See, I was off on a business trip when my wife texted me asking how it was going.

I texted back that I was having the best time of my life. Wish you were her.

 

[HONDAMAN174]

Lol! I will have to try that- maybe I would finally get paroled!


2014 Stealth Evo 2850 "Woodstock"
2011 Toyota Tundra Rock Crawler TRD 5.7 "Clifford"

 

[Platokidd]

ha

Did you hear the new Divorced Barbie is out?
Comes with all of Ken's stuff.

 

[wmtire]

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.

​

 

[Platokidd]

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

 

[wmtire]

I had to get revenge for her divorcing me and waited patiently in the bushes for her return from the school run, as I didn't want the kids to see it.

As she rounded the corner I raised my gun at the car, pulled the trigger and seconds later it was over.

Later at the police station, one officer even sympathized, saying, "I wished I'd done that to my ex!"

People may hate me, but 47 in a 30mph limit, I love being a traffic cop.

​

 

[Platokidd]

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

 

[rana]

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.

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Stop stop.. I can't breathe LOL

I don't care why ya are.. that's funny right there..

 

[asquared]

Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.-

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."


A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now ticked off cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.

 

[wmtire]

My wife has always told me that if I cheat on her she'd leave me.

We played Monopoly last night and I stole $1000 from the bankers tray.

Fingers crossed.

​

 

[AquaMan-FRF]

Do you what a tornado and divorce have in common? They both start off with a lot of _______ and _______ and end up with someone losing a house.


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[rana]

Man!! Your guys are terrible lol

My wife told me once that if park our rig up in the boonies and try to feed her burnt meat off the grill one more time, she would leave me.

I really miss her. LOL

 

[wmtire]

Man!! Your guys are terrible lol

My wife told me once that if park our rig up in the boonies and try to feed her burnt meat off the grill one more time, she would leave me.

I really miss her. LOL

Hey that reminded me. When I first got married, my wife was a very religious cook. Every meal was burnt offerings.

 

[jar3316]

I like to introduce my wife of almost 20yrs as my first wife.

When we were in line for our honeymoon cruise we were 20 and 22. A young couple ahead of us were in line on their honeymoon. He was carrying ALL the luggage and she had this little bitty makeup purse and just jabberin' commands at him the whole time. They were already fighting and at one point on the cruise in the hall we heard her say "Well you married me!". To this day that is our default answer to anything that we don't like about the other.

Every now and again people (including my wife) ask if we divorced, or she died, would I re-marry. I tell them absolutely not. The training still ain't going so well on this one why in the world would I start all over again. Or the other one I use is "The Webster's definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result".

 

[BiigDaddy]

You guys are killing me over here!!

 

[ColoradoRick]

A husband goes to the doctor for his yearly check-up. The doctor calls he and his wife in for an appointment.
When they arrive, the doctor asks to talk to the wife alone so she goes into his office while the husband waits in the waiting room.
"Is it bad news?" she asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," answers the doctor, "but if you want him to get through this, you're going to have to eliminate ALL stress in his life...no arguing and he has to always get his way. He will also need three healthy, home-cooked meals every day, and you will need to make love to him every day."
"Okay, I understand" she says.
She walks out into the waiting room and her husband asks, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're not going to make it!" she answers

 

[TeamPlumlee]

Funny stuff!!

 

[ColoradoRick]

A husband and wife were discussing what they would do if they were to die.
"Would you get re-married?" the husband asks.
"Well, dear, maybe...but not for a long time and only if I were too lonely and only if I fell in love again."
"Hmmmpf.." he says. "So when you remarry, would you let him use my lawnmower?"
"Well, honey, if the lawn needs it, sure."
"Hmmmpf....well, would you let him drive my truck that I love so much?"
"Well, honey, you wouldn't need it and if he needed a vehicle, sure."
"Hmmmpf...well what about my golf clubs, would you let him use my golf clubs?"
"Oh no, honey, he would never ever use your golf clubs."
The husband breathes a sigh of relief and nods his head.
"He's a lefty" the wife adds.

 

[BamaBob]

Down here in the South, ya'll know how a Tornado and a Divorce are Similar?

SOMEONE's gonna loose a trailer!

 

[jwedell]

If the wife ever leaves I'll never remarry.
Why disappoint another woman !